just for the kingdom.

unfinished

2008-10-31T01:02:00.000-07:00

in dreams
you're colors only you
can be
the only hues
i see
they are outside
of me
and it seems
(in dreams)
you've got inside
of me
you've tried
to hide
in me
(could you abide in me?)
maybe just for a while
if you needed to rest
for it seems that
for dreams
to be constantly dressed
in the spectrum of you
and in shades this true
well it seems, dear friend,
such an obvious clue:
you are weary
and lost
and have somehow crossed
from your own restless slumber
on into mine
and i'll welcome you warmly
and lay down a bed
fitted with flannel
(come, lay down your head)
and i'll tell you a story
of old kings and glory
and how i'm so sorry..
(come, lay down your head)

a wrinkle in time

2008-10-07T09:54:00.000-07:00

my long lost friends,

every so often i wander back here in the hopes that someone else has as well. today i opened to page to find a new entry by Shaina dated September 28 of this year! what excitement! but then, as i went to comment after Adam, i noticed his comment was made on March 13? so strange. needless to say, something, somewhere cause a clock to shift.

nevertheless, i miss this place.

sense of place has been something i've been thinking a lot about recently. i'm in-a-sense homeless at the moment, waiting for my apartment to be ready. i sleep on couches and borrowed beds, live out of boxes, bags, and a suitcase. i find myself longing for my own space, somewhere to arrange, decorate, inhabit, claim as my own. and i also find that without that basic need fulfilled, everything else about me feels scattered.

it's a funny place to be in. especially with school underway. it doesn't even feel like it's begun, and yet october is 1/4 done.

anyway, i hope i'm not the only one who peeks in on this little space of ours. i've got some new work i'll put up at some point. or maybe i will just write something altogether new, just for here.

see you around.

ages

2008-03-05T21:53:00.000-08:00

..it's been a while! lots has happened to keep me away from the internet...i hope to drop in and catch up on what i've missed someday soon.

for now, i only stop in for a moment, to leave a scrap of something that tumbled out of a tired pen and sleepy eyes after a very long drive and an even longer neglected concept.

imagine it on kindergarten construction paper.
light pink perhaps.
forgotten in a crumbling cardboard box in an attic somewhere.

and he'll wait for her forever
till she's grown
until he's old

till the farthest star she flickers
and the earth is glazed in gold

his soles shall tread above the dead
as he'll traverse the lands
with diamonds fixed where once were eyes
and stones where once were hands

he'll search for his beloved
till she's flown
until he's cold

till the farthest moon has gone to sleep
and the story's been untold

his soul shall dread the shallow bed
he made just underfoot
was where she rested all along
and he his treasure put.

020//abroad.

2008-02-23T11:57:00.000-08:00

Roper, if you could, please print out "letter to a generation." and leave copies of it around campus.

Miss/Love you all.

Here's a sample of what I've written (this is excluding the six new songs).

Enjoy.

---

this is our adventure.

cigarettes burn long and hot, the fumes slowly sift into the fresh lungs of our youth. we are at woodstock, and Jesus is our Jimi Hendrix. everyone is wide eyed, searching, optimistic and diverse. Benjamin sings American songs; Jean smokes his french cigarettes; Virginia wants to teach her heart how to love more. we're all here for something...bigger. something to trust; something to hold close, or something to hold us. i'm here to find a truth, in amongst the smoke. somewhere in these hills there has to be some thin air. so i'll keep searching.

what is it about this place that draws us all so close. the world seems to shy further and further away from the sacred everyday, but this place is so countercultural in that it defies that modernity. the sun sets in an orange blaze, behind the green hills, and God smiles along with us. i can see why God rested on the 7th; I could spend an eternity resting and admiring. soon we'll wave our goodbyes, one kiss on each cheek in tender platony, and we won't cry any tears, because there's no time for tears. we are golden, and the world has too much to discover. besides, we'll all be together soon enough, when we've finally found home, at the place where all searching ends.

---

the stars seem to call out with such vigor, more so than i have ever seen before. calling out, not so much as an attempt to receive an answer to some rhetorical question, but merely to proclaim the goodness that is your love. the light that they create is but a spark compared to the light you create, and they call THAT out. they cry, "you, not us, are the chose ones! what a gift life is! to love, to laugh, to sing, to dance, to cry, to fear, to forgive, to remember, to mourn, to miss and to praise!" what a waste it would be to have such a gift, and to have it be friviously kept a secret. we should be screaming, "holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty" from the highest of heights.

hopefully someday we will find our words, and our ways, and we will finally give God what he truly deserves.

---

the ghost of you lingers.

(if you were here)

running and racing, our windows down, the warm air rushing from west winds, from one side of the car to the other. nothing stale about this sepia scene: I came to pick you up, take you away from another apathetic afternoon. the small towns rush by like briefcase holding business men, late for tea with client a or b. we're on our way to the coast, the ocean seems forever away, and forever sounds pretty damn good. we're in this moment, this single frame of time when the combination of air and smoke in our lungs, tones in our ears and warm air carressing our soft faces, feels like eternity. in motion to the ocean. an open road before us, and nothing but history behind us. history's never done much for us anyways, so we're all casual smiles, swaying hair and waves of smiles.

our eyes will never deceive us again; we'll learn to trust, to love and, finally, how to cry.

---

letter to a generation.

raise your heads, raise your voices, you electric children. life is more than the selfish desires that have been imposed upon us; life is more than our constant pursuit of an impossible happiness, which has been contrued by the people who have decided to sell it. we have a chance to dream, and we have the ability to imagine a world that is so much better than the one we're in. this world of our fathers is passing, and the responsibility is being placed upon us. what kind of state do we want to leave the world in?

raise your heads, raise your voices, you children of apathy. hope is real; love is real. we are not slaves to our idealism, and we are not slaves to our desires. when will our prophets begin to speak? when will we begin to create some sort of change? how long will we stay silent?

raise your heads, raise your voices, you children of hope. let's begin an insurgance of love, let's begin to tear down the barriers of hate that we've grown up in. let's destroy every label we've learned to accept and apply. let's let our stories cross our divides, adn let's begin to share. we can share our love, hope, experiences, ideas, and we can begin to sing songs that will echo the cry of our new found childlikeness.

raise your heads, raise your voices, you sleepy-eyed children. let's fall in love with the mysteries, and begin to look at our lives through the eyes of a child. when did we lose our innocence? when did success replace love? let's dream up a world where we truly love our neighbor and where the common good replaces selfishness. i have hope that this world can exist, and you do too, whether you realize it or not. because inside you beats the heart of a dreamer, you jaded cynics. we were created to dream; to imagine a world where we know, and experience, the true meaning of home.

so raise your heads, raise your voices, you children of today. we were given hope, and we were given voices. so let's teach our hearts to show love to one another, and let's teach our mouths how to speak truth.

---

needless to say, europe is having an affect on me.

Jamison.

oh, things and stuff

2008-02-08T22:41:00.000-08:00

I like the looks of this.

Enjoy the Ride

I'd like to post it as a "hey..i'm proud of ya" / "welcome back to this strange place" present to my friend Logan, who recently wrapped up a year of challenging himself in a big way.

And I'd like to post this one as a present to myself, because I just think it's neat-looking as well and I'd really like a sweater like that. (and a crew of magical BMX creatures.)

What's A Girl to Do

It's almost Valentine's Day.
groooossss.

Here's another video.
It's cute.

(these are probably all super old and all the trendy kids have seen them...but that's alright, because i haven't. they're new to me!)

Jesus Saves, I Spend

Yep, that's all. Nothing wise or modern or clever to say. Sometimes I just feel blessed when I see creative things, like movies or videos or picatures or shoes or tattoos or well-placed domestic foliage...and I hope you do too. :)

ships

2008-02-06T01:05:00.000-08:00

Lent always pissed me off 'cause it just seemed to've been reduced to some kind of mediocre self-righteous religious mockery.

Could have been due to the majority of my exposure to it occurring at bible college.

I'm trying to change my perception of that.

(Lent and bible college. Lent first though. Bible college is probably going to take decades.)

I just mentioned in an e-mail to Nanc' my general disdain with being bound to time being at odds with my interest in the church calendar and spiritual disciplines.

She's invited me to participate in a Lent journey with her and a couple other folks who might join forces to comprise a little online community. It looks pretty rad. If you're like me and you're thinking halfheartedly about Lent and you need a friend to send an idea your way, let me know. I'll send you the thing we're checkin' out--has a lot to do with confronting barriers--between ourselves and God's will/his creation/other people/unity in the church/etc. A weekly exploration that involves a little less giving up coffee and a little more engaging in the world around you.

So speaking of mysterious journeys, ships seem to be my recurring theme of the year.

And I don't know how to post videos on here still, or else I would.
So just go watch these ones.
Because they're good songs.

Your Rocky Spine

One Last Song

* * *

Mixed and matched.

2008-02-05T21:56:00.000-08:00

Was looking through some papers tonight and came across a little something i wrote just after America Thanksgiving.

With Andy Shauf serenading me through headphones and a hot coffee ready at my disposal I make my way north to Vancouver on the train from Seattle. The sun is rising on my right and the Puget Sound drifts by on my left with the early morning mist still concealing islands. Almost as if they were playing Hide and Seek.

All of this is putting me in a rather pensive state and I can't help but realize how much I have at that moment, much less remember all the times I've been blessed over my lifetime. The last 4 days spent with my sister, grandma and relatives have shown me how much I have been given and how little I appreciate it at times.

They say that "Distance makes the heart grow fonder", but what they forget to tell you is that a lot of the time it makes you forget too.

My time in Seattle has been a time of remembrance. A time of remembering how beautiful it is to walk down to the beach or just looking out over the sound through my grandparents living room windows. A time of remembering past gatherings sitting around the kids table with my fellow cousins causing a ruckus while all the parents talked of weather, work, travel and the trading of information of more distant relatives. A time of of remembering good food.. and even better family.

Heading back to Vancouver has me filled with mixed feelings. A mixture of happiness at having an amazing time with family, yet saddened at the idea that I might not see them again for quite some time.

There is also the confusion of coming from mixed worlds. Part of me wants to stay in the city and become more refined (or in-tune with it at least). The complexity of the "ME" culture yet the simplicity of mindless materialism.
The other part , the one most likely to win, aches to be distant from anything with a monetary value. Where your worth is based on you and what you have.

It is doubtful that I will ever come to terms completely with that.

The last couple days have been days of realizations... of how wrong I am about most of my opinions of people.

Life is full of constant realizations.
Realizations of how significant our past is.. for better or worse.
Realizations of how much we have to look forward to.

It's rather strange how you miss your relatives the most the moment you leave them.

whispers

2008-02-03T22:32:00.000-08:00

do you get those times where everything in life seems to pile up on each other to the point where what should be the most restful, most satisfying time [that point where your pillow meets your head] turns into to something you dread and more than anything you just want to go to sleep and let it all be far away, but it won't let you sleep until you get so tired from trying not to think that you don't notice your brain has slowed and your eyes have closed?

it's been like that for me lately...

* * *

whispers

there's a gentle breeze

blowing though the grass

brushing our legs just

below the knees and it's

whispering to all the little

babies "hush now it is time

to sleep"

but not in my ears no

in mine it is a howling

wind driving waves and

with each gust it rains

it rains

i'd be better

if i were indoors but

all the doors look like they're

closed and the lights are

already switched off and

nobody answers when i

knock

wish I had a river

2008-01-12T11:30:00.000-08:00

home.
you know I'd like to go there,
but I don't think it's a place I belong.
home, I'd love to wake up there,
but how can I plan on waking up feeling rested?

home could have less to do with arrival.
i could leave all my love on the climbing way,
with painful steps and slow.
"and love is not the easy thing, the only baggage you can bring",
I'll leave all my fears behind.

home.
if you've never had one, what is it like?
is there really anything to "go back to"?
maybe everything is waiting in some open arms.
but I might find meaning, either way.
home. you know I'd love to wake up there.

~

...the journey continues, or maybe it needs to end.
maybe its time I stopped running away.
Its another chapter and I still don't have it all together.

missing

2008-01-08T21:14:00.000-08:00

I've never been one to miss people much.
I'll think of them fondly and wish to see them--I'm naturally quite transient and prone to visits...it's never goodbye, just see-you-soon.
Never that miss that climbs up your throat like hot arms straining their way out of your heart into the tangible realm, bent on reaching through distances between.

But sometimes someone goes away. Too far away. For too long.
Over Christmas I was in the company of home, and that was nice after a month away.
But there's been someone I've been missing. I'd never tell you I loved him. I'd tell you "I'm bored" or "I just miss the times we spent together." I spent some time missing him, spent some thoughts wondering what things might have been if I hadn't run away from him, wondering who we were meant to be to each other.

I wonder this same thing about God all the time--who we're meant to be to each other.
I like to explore a new aspect of that relationship each year or two. I've been through the token Jesus-is-my-bff phase that comes along with being in a youth group. I've walked the path with a curious Teacher who calls me to follow him. I've stood at the back of the proverbial temple, guilty and afraid and wary of approaching a holy God. I've laid physically broken on the altar and in the arms of the Healer and Sustainer of life. The more I think about it, the more I realize this past while has been spent being the whore. Running from the one who wants to love me. I'll trick you all by being friends with everyone...because really all I do is flee from love.

I received Word about a month ago that the time was approaching for a new aspect to be explored. The worst one of all: the bride of Christ.

I imagine this perspective differs between guys and girls (I'd love to hear how you guys perceive that aspect of the divine relationship in your own lives). And I know the bride refers to the church--but I feel there is a certain individual element of it that begs to be acknowledged and experienced as well.

It was a slow start because I've always been so independent and proud and unavailable and never anywhere near being married...how do you explore that aspect of your relationship with the Lord when you've not even explored or genuinely considered the human version? I'm the kind of person who'd be fine with either life--as a single person doing God's work, or as a married person doing his work, however it best suited his Will. So now here I am, in these strange and uncertain new circumstances, trying to trust a Provider to keep me safe and warm and fed and clothed rather than working myself to death to DIY...trying to accept grace and gifts and love and attention rather than deflecting or fleeing from them...trying to come home and tell him I love him rather than sneaking in after he's asleep...trying to be a mother to his children rather than someone fleeting and familiar...

One night as I missed my faroff friend, I wondered if I would miss him worse if we never saw each other again or if we came back together only to be separated by tragedy...what if I let myself love him and he left this realm? Died after only a few years, or months, or days? And it was there in the nighttime of that thought that I realized the deep love and tragic "miss" I have -- had hidden away all this time? -- for my Lover. How we really were meant for each other and how the distance of dimensions has come between us... How somewhere very deep and sacred, there lies embers of a blaze snuffed out too soon--before I had a chance to know... How I walk the streets alone with his Ghost... How I long for his Presence and feel like everything is all wrong without him there... How I am a stranger in an unfamiliar place, waiting and straining for the day we are restored.

And the heat, it rises in my throat, reaching and aching and calling out the speechless things that only Love can communicate...waiting, for Home.

dreamers, part three.

2008-01-04T15:54:00.000-08:00

another killin' on the dance floor!

download here

tracks.
bloc party - i still remember (sebastiAn remix)
digitalism - magnets
daft punk - rollin and scratchin
lcd soundsystem - all my friends
kavinsky - testarossa (sebastiAn remix)
the field - a paw in the face
phoenix - long distance call (25 hours a day remix)
justice - b.e.a.t. (extended)
dragonette - i get around (midnight juggernauts remix)
justice - phantom pt. ii (boys noize remix)
mstrkrft - street justice (2007 remix)
chromeo - fancy footwork

get down!

019//longing.

2007-12-31T09:55:00.000-08:00

art is cheap, photography is cheaper

Nils Vik and I met after an Andy and Dallas show (remember them?). His band, Wide Awake City, had headlined the show, and I had struck up a conversation with them, about Winnipeg, or Belle and Sebastian, or something. Through the wonders of the internet, Nils and I leave each other facebook comments every once and a while, and I ended up remixing a WAC song.

Nils is a brilliant photographer, in my opinion, and his photography exibit "Art Is Cheap, Photography Is Cheaper" is full of relevant, important pictures. Pictures that manage to be beautiful and prophetic, the combination being an art form in itself.

It makes me wonder about the merit of art in the church (this wouldn't be a good kingdom post if it didn't feature a raving rant on the state of the modern church, right?). Where are our prophets? I'm convinced that my church, an average Fraser Valley MB church, does not consider art in the church relevant, or important at all.

What's upsetting about this is the connection between stories, art, and the way that we present the love of Christ. Preachers have got a serious thing for this format: funny story, connect it to the Gospel, repeat. But it seems like the times when the word of God really gets across is through an actual story. So think of the stories that are told through pieces of art, like Nils' pictures. I think we need to give people like Nils more of an oppurtunity to speak truth, and give less oppurtunities to useless words from preachers.

25 minutes and a punch in the chest

2007-12-27T23:33:00.000-08:00

i've got 25 minutes remaining on my battery, about that much consciousness left in my day, and i'm taking you up on your assignment, adam.

the thing i've chosen to share...
isn't a cute christmas anecdote about my funny family or my dad's partially severed finger or telling my friend adam "the christmas man" i'd decorate his house like christmas every day if he paid me.

it's kind of about a movie.
which i realize i probably refer to often.
probably because my best friend is a film fiend. and also because movie theatres are the sanctuaries and studies of our culture--filmmakers and screenwriters are the modern day theologians, regardless of whether they (or we) know it.

it's kind of about me.
which i realize i also refer to often.
probably because it's my primary perspective?

i went to see P.S. I Love You yesterday.
my best friend cried through the whole thing.
it was kind of like that. it was really great. and really awful.
the movie opened with this argument and the guy said something to the girl to the effect of "stop waiting for life to start..we're already living" ... and i'm pretty sure someone else brought it up later in the movie, about how she was in this crippling suspended state of preparation ... in any case, it was like someone behind the lights and sounds and characters who weren't exactly talking to me punched me right in the chest.

it's my biggest secret.
it's probably ruining me.
i'm putting life off.

some regret, some sad

2007-12-27T22:59:00.000-08:00

So, after a long day of too much thinking and not enough conversation I want to think about something other than "home", for a little while.

Here is an assignment. Write something that you experienced this season, and post it here. Joyful, challenging or otherwise. A story. After that we should sit around with hot cocoa, and laugh at the weirdness of our families.

Most of my season was this- Spending too much time alone which, to be more hard on myself than I need to, felt very self-imposed. Instead of calling friends, making plans, anything I just watched movies and wrote bad poems all day.

It felt like it was just one lazy day, which turned into 5. I think the reason this happened is that a person needs something to start the day, some purpose to wake up for. If you waste a morning the entire day is wasted. For me at least.

So, I will have more cheery posts in awhile. Some joy is still meant to be found. I'm in that pre-traveling feeling- that sense of regret and wonder. mostly, regret.

I miss all of you, to the extent that it feels embarassing to say it. I'll make us all some nice organic-fair-trade hot chocolate when this is all over.

later.

i do wanna love you, i do wanna try

2007-12-20T23:54:00.000-08:00

that's right, kids. hedley lyrics.

it's been a quiet while.
i'm trying to mean things.
i've been venturing into strange places (eg: a hedley song--usually the sight of them prompts drown-out hollaring until i can find a remote. see also: the historic romance story i accidentally read, and learning to play yahtzee.)

i don't like people much.
i do, but sometimes i think it's maybe more in an i-love-you-'cause-you're-in-my-family kind of way.
that's the thing i'm trying to figure out--what i mean, and what i just have done so long i think i mean it.
that's why i refrain from singing a lot of things sung in church. jamison mentioned stuff of this in his post below. i implemented a discipline in relation to this in my own life a year or two ago. i dunno, i don't like verbal obesity. i don't like saying words that aren't mine. i don't like lying. i suppose i'm much graver than i let on.

i probably said 11 sentences that whole time i visited those wester cities, maybe 1.5 of them that mattered.
not for any reason. just didn't have much to say that i'd have meant.

"how do you mean?"
that's one of my old people phrases i often use to clarify what folks are telling me.
i wonder a lot, when things are said and done, just how they were meant.

so the thing i've been thinking about on and off for several months is this.

sadistic voyeurism.

(that's what i call it anyways.)

i don't imagine anyone would readily stake a participatory claim in it.

i suppose the popular culture cycles by it every so often.
so now instead of the colosseum or the gallows we gather at the colossus or the galaxy.

i wonder what went through the minds of the spectators at the ancient events, what their motivation was for participating in this kind of consumption: a hunger for justice to be served? a thirst for social involvement? a satanic lust for the agony and destruction of humanity?

sounds like crazy church talk, but it's true isn't it?
he wants us to suffer and die. he likes it best when we do it to ourselves, to each other.
i've never seen satan cut a man to pieces. have you?

i have seen this, though:

alright.
i just went to youtube to find the trailer and link it, but i can't even handle it, it's disgusting..it wasn't the trailer i found first, but whatever it was gave me a feeling i do not want to have ever again. i won't even mention what it's called, but if you see the trailer like i did at a movie the other night or come across it somewhere, you'll know it.

basically, the premise is something like a bunch of tapes are discovered that document someone's killing spree, as shot by the killer himself.

when i saw it, it was the proverbial "cherry on top" of the previously-pondered-in-this-category Hostel/Saw/etc.

i began a bit of an essay on the same topic one day at work a while back...here's an exerpt:

So my brother and I liked this movie, House on Haunted Hill, when we were teenagers.
He called on Saturday and mentioned the sequel that was just released this year (coincidentally I had noticed it listed as rentable on the dish earlier that day). So today I decided to check out the trailer.

As it turns out, if you watch this particular film on HD DVD or Blue Ray, you have the option of essentially directing the progression of the story:

"With 96 frightening possibilities, their fate is in your hands...You decide who lives, or how they die."

It blows my mind that our culture considers this "enhanced entertainment."

last night i just saw a preview for this one, which i thought was interesting and may pose a relevant challenge to the cinema-going, internet-gorged culture (if they bother to think about it?):

http://youtube.com/watch?v=OLYo5tMylQM

reminded me of that video a few years back of the hostage decapitation. i didn't see it. i know people who did. what urges a person to "tune in" to these things? a hunger for justice? thirst for social involvement? or the other thing...

018//christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas.

2007-12-19T09:42:00.000-08:00

Anyone been to a mall these days? It's hard to have faith in mankind around this time of year. But I've decided to not let it get me down. I'm normally not a fan of malls to begin with; I've gone on many rants about the level of caring that occurs at malls. One morning I was walking for some bubble tea with Alison and Erin, and I went into one of these rants. I guess it struck a chord with them, because the next thing I knew they were telling me about how they had an interesting experience at the mall. I guess they sat in the food court and just talked with people. Consider how detached we're all becoming, it's cool to hear of people actually reaching out to people, hearing stories, telling stories, living live in community.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm just as bad as the rest of us trendy post-modernists. As I write, I'm in a coffee shop, with my headphones on, trying my hardest not to interact with anyone. In my defense, it is early in the morning, and I've only ingested a small amount of egg nog, and a large amount of coffee, so my breath is probably not at it's best scent. Regardless, what is stopping me from going to someone's table, sitting down, introducing myself, and meeting someone new? Is it pride? Embarrassment? I don't consider myself to be an incredibly prideful person, and I can't say I get embarrassed very easily. Maybe I care too much about what people think of me. I wish I had the assertiveness of those girls, but I guess it's something that I can work on.

Now, another thought has come into my mind these days, which has to do with the conundrum of a distant love. This way of thinking really struck me last year, during a worship service at school. I was sitting closer to the front, which is a pretty rare occurrence to begin with, but I found it really amazing to hear everyone singing from behind me. So I have this epic choir singing behind me, and when we got to this one line, I was really struck by this thought of distant love. "Jesus, I am so in love with you." As we sang it, I was stopped dead in my tracks. All these people singing their hearts out, but how many of us really mean that line when we sing it. I was overcome with guilt, and I had this thought staring me right in the face: I am not "so in love" with Jesus. I mean, it's something that I think we're all working on, but having 150, or so, people singing that from behind me really made me wonder whether all those people had it figured out. How can we love someone, or something, when we can't experience them, or it, with our senses. Too many of us have experienced a long distance relationship, which is one of the most trying relationships that we can experience. How much different from a long distance relationship is our relationship with Christ? Something to think about I suppose.

This whole distant love idea was inspired by some words that came out of me a few weeks ago.

The tip of my tongue is tapping the keys in four four time, clicking away filler words that fill up this blank white box. My mind's rambles rumble behind my eyes, trembling at the thought of the next few weeks.

Brown boxes are being packed up, the smell of old cardboard fills up the air; the aroma of leaving. I lost track of you last night, and I've forgotten whether it's today or tomorrow when you'll be gone, but I guess it doesn't make a difference. On a Friday, you'll be gone, far from my outstretched arms. A province away; a life away.

The ground is still wet from last night's pitiful attempt at snow. Cold enough for a scarf, but so warm that it's basically falling slush. We waited outside the theatre, for nothing, catching these temporary snowflakes in our temporary mouths. Trying to fill a void with some sort of thin air. Maybe there will be more snow for Christmas, maybe you'll dream of my hands on a cold winter's night. It's just like that song I sang you once. I thought those might have been tears in your eyes, but it was too dark, and I had already drank too much wine.

And where are we now? Separated by mounds of earth, rock and water, connected only by these weak signals. A friend once told me that no matter what sort of distance exists, if love is true, it can transcend anything. I'd say I agree with that, but agreeing doesn't necessarily make things easier. This common trend is frustrating, but maybe that's what love really is: being able to love in spite of whatever distance exists, whether it's a physical distance, an emotional distance, or a spiritual distance.

Have a good Christmas, try not to get too bogged down in the bad aspects of it.

Jamison.

spare time.

2007-12-18T21:40:00.000-08:00

this is what i do:

dreamers, part two. a mix by le tremudance.

download here

tracks.
css - knife
the knife - girls' night out
shout out louds - normandie
mixtapes and cellmates - the better half of cynical boys
the field - silent
holy fuck - lovely allen
digitalism - pogo
the tremulance - we'll settle this on the dance floor.

get down kids!

thought that I saw you in the oncoming cars

2007-12-17T16:28:00.000-08:00

Home.

I'm wondering, how are you all feeling about "returning home"?

I know this can be a hard time of year, being that we are becoming adults, some of us redefining home, finding a place to call home that is not the place we grew up.

Thats how I feel, at least. Being back in Nanaimo really scares me, and fills me with great cynicism. I'm scared because I don't think my character can continue to develop here. I need to be in a place that is safe, where I know I can find care.

So, I know I think too much. I should really be enjoying these days in Nanaimo, of seeing masses of green again. But I am starting to get homesick.

My head is not really together. I was hoping this would turn into a profound statement about community, rather than a few dry statements. I just get a sense that its harder to feel alive during this season, unless your surrounded by a warm glow of a fire and candles, or at home with friends... or something. It gets hard to feel safe this time of year.

I'll be home soon.

PS - on my other journal I said "I can't wait to get back on the road again". Now, I just want to get back home.

PPS - I have been wondering what christmas is like in England for awhile (ever since watching the Muppets Christmas Carol again).

all the more beautiful

2007-12-06T15:07:00.000-08:00

I'm working on a poem right now, which I want to finish my indie poem book with. I'm probably going to make 30 or so rough copies to give away, whilst i continue putting time into it and writing.

so if you want a copy just let me know. here is what i have so far-

cups of coffee and college music on our backdeck,
I recorded this song beside a fire,
and old piece of wood from a broken fence,
a crackling loud background of orange flames.
I should have been more careful.

and a cold night, maybe tonight i'll walk you home.
awkward smiles and goodbyes. and
i want to stay up until unreasonable hours,
sharing some guitar and conversation,
some old tea i never got around too,
cold coffee on a quiet thursday night.

we make up our own weekends, out of fridays and occasional jazz music shows,
of nelson boschmans and lance odegaards.
of artsy movies and afterthoughts, the occasional awkward look,
i notice your looking in my eyes, wondering what i'm feeling.

and its a beautiful thing.
its a good life, this small space we share,
moments and mornings waking up feeling bad.
shows and friends on friday nights,
and road trips to vancouver. the simple life.
its the simple things in life that mean the most.

its the things you do when you think no one is watching
walking in crossed lines, singing in fields or by yourself at home.
lines with eyes that took pain, and broken nights to make.
those are what make life all the more beautiful.

Speaking of hanging out with college students / young adults, I'm stuck on this random band I stumbled across, that I am intrigued by for some unknown reason.

Edison Glass. There is this unspoken maturity about how this band does music, challenging the typical, dry and uninspiring pop-punk out there. i would call them unconventional. give these guys a listen.

lets get together this Christmas. and we can talk more about music. later.

a funny place

2007-11-27T03:01:00.000-08:00

i started this one a little while ago, in the thick of papers. it's still relevant...

i'm in a funny place. it's a place where the inspirations are so built up i'm afraid they may fade. do you ever get there? it feels like this...
i want to write a song...but i really need to do my paper
i've just watched a warm and wonderful movie...but i don't know what to do with it but sit here and smile for a bit
i want to take on the world, see it one awe-inspiring bit at a time...but i have class on monday
i want to sleep out in the park under the stars or go walk around the city all night...but it's cold, and i have work to do tomorrow and really, it's probably best to just go home
how do you find that space between responsibility and spontaneity?
between what "makes sense" and what makes experiences?

reconciling

2007-11-25T21:36:00.000-08:00

I realize the last couple of pieces i've been writing have been embarrassingly bad, almost insensitive... and it seems like a lot of my conversations in the past week have been the same.

thus is paper season.

So I'll try and make up for it. lately i have been feeling cynical about my hours spent on facebook. and my resulting bomb of a personal life as a result.

I think that everyone has two personalities; The paper self, which is a description of yourself as a person, or maybe the person you would like to be, that you sit down and type. with socializing online you type up this description and say "this is me".

Then there is the real self. the person that you do not see in yourself. the real self is what your friends see in those few moments where you let down your guard, and stop trying to impress everyone.

if you live online, or try dating someone online, you miss the big picture. everyone has those weird quirks about them, these strange and insignificant habits that make you unique. say you make a weird sound when you eat, or you walk a certain way, or you have lines in your eyes that you get from feeling sad.

i dunno. its the small things that your friends notice... that is what is most beautiful about a person. its the stuff that doesn't fit into small description boxes.

but i could be wrong. on a minor note, i am having trouble with relationships. lets talk about it this week.

on an even more minor note, i had to re-format my computer and I almost lost everything... ten page papers, poetry, and music. someone up there likes me.

later.

2007-11-24T00:01:00.000-08:00

today i left jesus standing in the street.

quality time

2007-11-20T21:41:00.000-08:00

it's almost that time.

that christmas time.

now...i'm not one of those ladies who goes to town decorating every inch of their house and is on a mission to get all the perfect gifts (handy hint: buy all next year's gifts on boxing day! your friends will hate you 'cause they can't ask for stuff next november, but you can rest assured they'll be pleased with the thoughtfully selected and prepared trinkets in the end and you get to spend weeks stress-free, walking in soft snow rather than through store stampedes.)

but i do like certain traditions. i'm repulsively nostalgic, which you probably already knew.

lefse.

if you don't know what that is, your life is meaningless.
(same goes for if you're only familiar with the icky kind and not the cream kind.)
but maybe i can make you some.
(i'm coming to visit most of you next week, so maybe it could be one of our fun activities?)

my grandma and i make lefse together at christmas. those are some of my very favorite memories. i have a lot of good memories of my grandma. she stays up late and is crafty and clever and bakes a lot, so we were always two peas in a pod. we never really set out to discuss any given thing when we make it, and a lot of the time is just spent in silence, the sounds of the rolling pin and brushing hot flour off the griddle...but usually towards the end when we're finishing and folding it, sitting around the table making a great sugary mess and nibbling on the scraps, we've fallen into a delightful conversation about the way things are or could be or might be. mostly though, we just enjoy each other's company. me, smiling as she measures the salt in the palm of her hand, and her, stopping to gaze at me and say "your hair--you look like mother when she was young."

mmm...i also really love listening to "i celebrate the day" in the dim christmas glow when everyone else is sleeping, and looking out the windows at the snow coming secretly down at 1am, and going for walks in knee-high boots through alleys full of fresh powder at 3am...i guess the majority of my best christmas activities take place in the wee hours. it's nice to have time alone with God like that, when you feel like he came tossing pebbles at your window or like you conspired to stay up late together and sneak out...

so. i guess i found out at michelle's a while back that my love language (receiving-wise) is time...so i can't really say that it's the same kind of commodity for everyone...but i think it's safe to say it's a wonderful gift. i hope you know that your presence is valued, dear reader.

spend some time this week.
and save a pocketful for me. ;)

The zoo that is Vancouver

2007-11-19T22:42:00.000-08:00

There has been something growing in me ever since i moved to Langley over 2 months ago. Something restless... something that, if given the right opportunity, will burst forth and consume me in a glorious act of savagery and basic instinct.

Now this may sound rather absurd, but let me tell you as story that sort of expands on the idea.

Last week a few of us (fellow school people) decided to take the skytrain into downtown Vancouver. It was interesting to hear the different comments from my friends as we moved along the track closer and closer to the enormous buildings and large crowds of people. We would pass through a more industrial area of the city and the comments of how ugly the city was would be announced. But then we would cross over a river and a completely different mindset would overcome them and they couldn't help but voice how beautiful it was. This was further shown as we mingled with the joggers, dog-walkers and couples that were strolling down the walkway at the edge of the harbor.

Hundreds of people trying to get out of the city... and yet only making it a block or two from home.

Look around you. People everywhere are simulating nature through the use of potted plants, photos of peaceful meadows or interior decoration made up of soft browns, greens, florals or even wood paneling that is the barest hint of what everyone is trying to imitate.

We continued down the walkway and came upon the most blatant example while walking beside the metal giants that make up the high rise apartments of the Vancouver elite. On the very top of one such giant was place an unusually large tree. Now I've heard of bushes or hedges adorning penthouses... but this was a full grown tree.

This phenomenon is everywhere. Watch TV for an hour and count the number of commercials where companies are trying to sell their product through the use of nature as a stimulant. The vehicle that can climb mountains, the woman swimming with the alligator that is trying to sell lotions or the soft drink that helps people surf or outrace some dangerous animal.

I continually see people searching for something that they don't have. Sure you can quench that thirst with a potted plant or a picture of a setting sun... but you know it's not enough. Even if they get the umph to get out of the city and try to indulge themselves with a little camping... they bring their home with them in the form of campers, EZ-bake food, renting a cottage or even bringing a TV along with them.

Everyone has this animal inside them. It may be hidden to some, but it's still there... stuffed under the hurry of society, the need for things and the comfort of comfort.

It's most likely the prairie in me and the fact that i lived the majority of my life with the outdoors right outside my door, but i honestly don't see how anyone can live in a city for any long period of time. It just doesn't feel right not being able to let loose every once in a while.

We originated in the garden... it's only natural to want to return to it.

017//peace and quiet.

2007-11-17T12:55:00.000-08:00

Here are two separate stories, but try to find the subtle connection between them.

Most nights after a long day of classes, my roommate Rob and I like to head home, maybe cook up some rice, and sit on our mac's for a couple of hours, before the homework starts. On the occasional, hungry, day, Rob and I like to stop at one of two places. If it's a warm day: Dairy Queen (we're suckers for blizzards); if it's a cold day: Jumbo 2 for 1 Pizza (we're also suckers for amazing cheap pizza). This week was a rainy week, and Jumbo Pizza sounded so right. So we made our way across the city, to the loveliest hole-in-the-wall you've ever seen. When we pulled into the parking lot, we noticed that two girls were sitting at one of the tables inside the incredibly cramped eating area. We went inside, asked if there was any pepperoni and bacon up, to which we were asked to wait a few minutes. So we sat down at the window bar, and started reading the Vancouver Province that was sitting there. Within about ten seconds of sitting down, one of the girls behind us immediately struck up a conversation. It was pretty strange, most people are not outgoing to strangers, and truth be told, Rob and I didn't feel much like making new friends that day. "How are you guys!?" the one girl asked. We kind of looked over our shoulders, and unenthusiastically gave a sort of "fine" remark. I immediately noticed that there were some World Vision pamphlets on their table, and they were both wearing name tags. At first I was excited to have a conversation with these seemingly nice, potential World Vision employees. Unfortunately, things turned pretty ugly, pretty fast. Almost as soon as the girl asked us how we were, she spewed out, "We work for World Vision, want to sponsor a kid!?" At first I thought she was joking, because I mean who is that ruthless that they try to get people to sponsor kids while they're trying to eat dinner. Rob and I politely said that we were students, and that the truth was we couldn't afford to donate a monthly amount, seeing as we both don't have steady incomes. Rob also noted that his parents were currently sponsoring a child, which incited the girl to question how old we were. We paused and said "21", to which the girls responded by saying something along the lines of, "Well, you're old enough to sponsor your own kid." The honest truth is that I thought they were joking us. We kept declining, but they kept persisting. About two minutes into this "conversation", the girl decided to throw some low blows. "Well, you realize you could afford to sponsor a kid if you stopped drinking beer for a month, right?" Rob and I looked at each other, and responded, "You know, we don't drink all that much." (Rob doesn't at all!) The girls laughed, and said, "Well what if you stopped smoking pot!?" I started to become a little frustrated at this point. "We don't smoke", we said. The girls laughed and said, "Oh, we thought that's why you were here. Eating pizza, got the munchies!" Stupidity and arrogance are not an attractive combination. The girls then continued to tell us how they sponsored kids while they went to school, and how if we were low on cash, we should try to get a job at World Vision. "The high-rollers make at least $15 an hour!" After fifteen minutes of flat out rejection, the girls finally got the point that we were not going to buy one of their children. After we left the restaurant, we tried to figure out what had just happened. Is doing something good, through a dishonorable means, still a good thing? What does it mean to give with a clean heart?

---------------------------------------------

As we were about to leave the parking lot, we noticed that this guys' car had stalled, and that he was pushing it by himself. It was already pretty dark out, and people were speeding by him pretty fast. Instinctively, Rob and I knew we could give him a hand, so we parked the car, and made our way across the street. By the time we had got to him, he had managed to get the car into a parking lot across from the pizza place. We introduced ourselves, and the guy (Willy) asked if we had some jumper cables. Rob ran to his car to look, and I ran inside of the coffee shop we were by. Rob didn't have any, and neither did the coffee shop. I made my way into a grocery store beside the coffee place, and started politely asking people in lines. It's surprising how many people don't have jumper cables, or perhaps, how many people don't feel like lending out their jumper cables to skinny boys in purples zip-ups. Rob had made his way back to the pizza place, where there was now a large group of World Vision employees (they had all been going door-to-door in the area) inside of Jumbo Pizza. According to Rob, when he asked if they had any cables, they suddenly began to act as if the tables had turned. We didn't sponsor kids from them, but now we need them to do a favor for us? They told him they didn't have cable, without a second thought. All tangents aside, I found someone who had some, and we made our way to the car. It turns out that Willy had some in his car, and we didn't need the kind man's who had offered. Rob moved his car over beside Willy's and they were charging up the battery. With enough juice to get him home, we shook hands, and he told us something that I will never forget.

"You guys really saved me tonight."

trying to figure this out

2007-11-15T10:30:00.000-08:00

Karl, buddy. good to see you writing again. much dialogue, and heated argument, is needed between our two schools. or maybe just friendly conversations over hot chocolate.

The thing I like about this community i live beside is the emphasis on being human. Too often i feel like "christian communities" put too much emphasis on "movings of the spirit" and less on my friend who feels lonely because his dad left at age 13.

I think that community should be more about who we are. A person can say to me "God's doing all this in my life, i used to be addicted to this and into that", which is fine... but I'd rather hear about how their day was, how they're feeling today.

When I look at a person I don't look at the years of pain, all the crap they got through. I see the finished product- who they are because of all that.

Finally, I think being human is less about trying to not make mistakes, and more about just messing up, feeling like crap some days... you know. being real.

I'm sorry about these random-o thoughts. I'm trying to pound this out before chapel. feel free to disregard, if not challenge me extensively, on anything i just said.

later.

I'm an Island

2007-11-13T22:53:00.000-08:00

Independence is an interesting trait.

It is one characteristic that I doubt I could live without.

I find the "Lone Ranger" self-sufficiency very appealing.

Perhaps it is the Saskatchewan in me, or perhaps the farmer-ness, but having the ability to make my own way has an extremely strong hold on me.

Unfortunately, almost everything that I've been learning at school these last few months have been centered around community and the whole "No man is an island" jazz.

Things are clashing.

I don't like it.

I think thats good.

quickly.

2007-11-13T21:40:00.000-08:00

i have a cool story to post with more time, but for now here are some links for your pleasure.

moments
watch the creation of a 100 moments, captured in polaroid pictures.

the new balearic
probably the best podcast on the internet right now.

freerice.com
like vocabulary games? like helping the hunger problem in the world? me too.

the take away shows
still the coolest concept i've come across as of late.

the sound of silence

2007-11-10T19:11:00.000-08:00

as i sit in this coffee shop, on the eve of Remembrance Day, coincindentally trying to piece together thoughts about conflict resolution, nonviolence, and the global community, there is a hockey game on the television. they just had a moment for the fallen (the last call is such a moving trumpet piece). however, when usually there is a moment of silence, there was an audiovisual presentation.
without really being able to hear the context, it concerns me. have we become so short-attentioned/afraid of silence that we can no longer have it even as a part of Remembrance Day?
"the people bowed and prayed to the neon god they made..."

traveling mercies

2007-11-05T19:41:00.000-08:00

I'm about three pages into my eight- ten pager, which i'm hoping to have done tommorow, and I have no idea what I'm talking about.

And I think that kind of sucks. I'm really lacking the emotional energy to put any personal thought or conviction into this thing.

Other than that, i think I'm doing fine. I spent a good solid 5 walking in a city instead of doing homework, and now it feels like i have less to do. Cities are good that way.

There is this ideal way of life i envision for myself- slowing working through assignments, slowly moving towards character developing, carefully feeling conviction for stupid things i do, and tactfully walking through the "feeling broken" aspects of being human...

enough to finish a paper and not feel like shit. live and learn/

Mostly, I'm just try to stay a bit balanced, so that I don't get overwhelmed by the details and tiny buggersome aspects of life. I think Anne Lamott sums it up perfectly- "Some people say that God is in the details, but I have come to believe that God is in the bathroom".

I would love to finish this thought, but I'm late for a meeting. Damnit.

to be continued.

culture club

2007-10-30T14:27:00.000-07:00

hey by the way...

i just went for a coffee and made a stop at Wal-mart to try and find the Across the Universe soundtrack (a miserable failure, but a girl can hope can't she!) ...

but i was tided over when i accidentally came across The Alchemy Index and Act II of Neverending White Lights.

i came across Act I of NWL two Octobers ago when elsa, lissy, and i stopped in at an HMV after imagining an entire storyline that coincided eerily with the track listing / concept of the mysterious album which we immediately asked the HMV girl to crack open and let us listen to. i was equally, if not more, interested in the liner notes as the album itself, and i find myself in a similar state with Act II (i am limited to lyrics and liner notes until 5pm as my stereo at the shop doesn't work).

all this to tell you:
daniel victor is an interesting chap, and you should buy these albums, because even if you disagree with me over the storyline/character/artistic journey aspect of the whole thing, i found Act I (and expect to find Act II) to be a deliciously haunting and soothing soundtrack to winter sleeps and night drives.

Delusions of Grandeur - Chapter I

2007-10-30T11:14:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time...
there was a girl of seventeen.

She was somewhere in between her actual culture and that borderline incestuous subculture that is the "youth group." She was part of a family that was meticulously attendant to every single thing that ever happened. The kind of folks who plan trips to the city around weeksworth of weather forecasts and leave each other notes even when they're just running an errand. (Her parents were both middle children--the ones who "have to have it all together" because their older siblings are a little relationally preoccupied and their younger siblings are a little materially preoccupied.)

She'd had braces. She wanted to be an orthodontist.
She'd "found Jesus" after years of simply attending church with the family. She had a funny experience that she interpreted as a call to youth ministry.
She went to bible college.

She had new visions (that were enthusiastically incubated by those around her in this entirely fictitious scenario, naturally) of herself neatly and successfully completing a four year program and graduating and finding a job that matched all the little classes she took and things she learned, where she could put to good use all those textbooks full of crazy youth night ideas and poster-making skills. She even had visions of maybe someday becoming a professor at such a college, and who knows, maybe even the new Marv Penner.

Meanwhile, the real Marv Penner took a shine to the curious young lady with the black hair and boy-friends in tight pants who liked to hang out with folks from the "actual world" and sneak "non-Christian" music onto their campus radio show. She developed a rash that became more and more irritated every time he or someone in this funny place reacted to their "unusual" lives, not understanding why it was a big deal. She kept taking classes (each reminding her of the last) and making posters (each reminding her of the past) until none of it seemed all that relevant in the end. People started noticing the robotic skills she'd honed--these were attractive assets in some parallel universe she was unwittingly (or maybe initially intentionally) being initiated into.

She felt it was time to go.
She stayed.
And this is where the real story begins.

solitude and nothing happening

2007-10-29T20:44:00.000-07:00

life is kind of getting me down, friends.

between being too busy, taking on too much responsibility, and planning a trip to new york (conveniently placed in the middle of "paper season) I'm feeling really disconnected. life is becoming less centered on sharing life with friends and finding solitude, and more on the next paper i have due next week. my past week has been a lot of confusion and feeling lost, and a lot of wondering.

I took a silent retreat for the weekend at a place called the Mark Center, which was good- many hours of reflecting, and feeling like myself. now i'm just desperately trying to find more of that, in an everyday sense.

So, to put it simply, i need solitude. I need solitude, time alone, to unpack life and to figure out who i am. i think that looks a lot like falling asleep with content, or sitting back with a cup of coffee writing to a loved one. and it feels like a warm blanket, keeping us safe, reminding us that we are cared for. or something like that.

and its not a fake personality blanket, something i wear to give myself a false sense of security. its the other kind of blanket. the good kind. add that to the list of "things we should talk about around a campfire". or else, add it to the list of "reasons why we should drive to oregon". we'll see.

question of the day: where do i find solitude?
music of the day: ben kweller
man of the year: jamison dick

1 . 2 . 3

2007-10-21T23:01:00.000-07:00

My dear friend (and our devoted subscriber) Nancy has recently departed on a pilgrimage...we had initially planned to go together, but with moving plans it was not the right "time" for me...so she up and went alone! She's just pretty great like that. Perhaps I can have my own pilgrimage after a time.

She's set out to collect some insight, and so far has found a few gems and characters along the way. In one of her recent posts--naturally, she is blogging--she shared some profound sentiments. She spoke of the "extremes" that have arisen within our culture, the mega-churchies and the simple-servants, and the dangers both face in clinging too closely to only one or two parts of the three-part greatest commandment. Essentially, we are all forgetting to love God first.

I wanted to share some of Nanc's words, and to encourage you to check out the rest of her blog (specifically the one I'm quoting from, and generally the whole Pilgrimage section if you wish)...

So I’m starting to have a bit of a better picture of what I’m looking for in this pilgrimage… it seems like I need to help find the happy medium between throwing the baby out with the bathwater and drowning the baby in the bathwater of the church. I was walking along yesterday kind of making up a song prayer to God and I was saying, “I’m prepared to go between where we’ve been and what we need. Tell me Lord, tell me please, what you want and what you need.”

-- Nancy's Pilgrimage

we don't see each other enough

2007-10-16T14:28:00.000-07:00

hm. no one has posted for awhile. and my last post was embarrassingly bad. so i'm going to break the silence.

I wrote this for a friend who spent a weekend in the downtown eastside. Its about me staying at home missing said friend, and wishing and waiting for said friend to come home.

Jamison was there too. who i missed just as much. ;)

vancouver

there was tea waiting this whole time,
sitting on my kitchen counter beside the sink,
all the while i was watching the world unfold
and praying for you, come home.

there was some music playing in the background,
sitting on my coffee table beside the door,
all the while I was outside watching the rain
and hoping one sound would be your voice, come home.

there was vancouver waiting this whole time,
sitting beside both of our hometowns,
all the while i was waiting for an answer.
and praying for you, come back home.

write a love song about rainstorms

2007-10-05T18:42:00.000-07:00

i think we should all go for a walk in the rain. once shaina gets here. being that we live in BC, we won't have to wait too long for that.

PS- i don't sound like a weird radio announcer/ televangelist/ "insincere co-worker that no-one likes" do I? thats embarrassing.

we are going to, officially, spend the first hour or so of the walk making fun of each other... then the next just making fun of shaina for going to briercrest.

I like this idea. and rain. I like rain.

a glimpse into the life...

2007-10-05T13:51:00.000-07:00

It was a grey day.
Rainy without the rain.
Inside felt like catacombes
and outside felt like dusk in a scary movie.

Don't worry--this is not going to be that bad! After all...
I just got back from marrying my best friend!
That's right. Jen is married, and I got to be the last one to stand between her and Jordan before they morphed into One. What an amazing feeling! If you're not familiar with the situation, you may be wondering what the heck I thought I was doing up there--well, Jen was dead set on me being the "minister" at her wedding, and she found a way to make it happen--so...there we were!

Do you find that cold weather makes you more aware of your individual status? Like, as in, aloneness?
I'm the kind of person who treasures my alone-time, but I'm also the kind of person who gets cold reeeal easy. So when it is bone-chillingly cold (just imagine how sad I am come January if I'm calling October 5th bone-chilling), I can't help but think I could really use another person around if only for their body heat. (Is that entirely creepy? hahah. Watch yourself--I'm out for blood!)

Weddings (especially the kind you are personally creating the ceremony for) tend to get you thinking about the relational element of life. We wound the theme of covenant through the Friesen union (again--if you're not familiar with the situation, they already had the same last name. Hilarious huh! Don't worry--they weren't related. We checked.) It was exciting, because they were manifesting and reflecting God's image in such a potent way, taking part in something so ancient and everlasting and magical as a covenant...maybe it sounds generic...but it was powerful to be the one mediating that (as opposed to daydreaming while some boring minister no one knows goes on and on about marriage advice or something dopey).

So I guess this all has just got me considering the deeply intimate and relational nature of God. I've never been a terribly intimate person, so that is a difficult one for me to immerse myself in. Today I've been going back through a bunch of bits in Donald Miller's Searching For God Knows What that I marked when I read it in August. I've encountered a lot of various "interpretations" of the gospel message in my days, but his is probably my favorite.

You are the bride to the Bridegroom, and the Bridegroom is Jesus Christ. You must eat of His flesh and drink of His blood to know Him, and your union with Him will make you one, and your oneness with Him will allow you to be identified with Him, His purity allowing God to interact with you, and because of this you will be with Him in eternity, sitting at His side and enjoying His companionship, which will be more fulfilling than an earthly husband or an earthly bride. All you must do to engage God is be willing to leave everything behind, be willing to walk away from your identity, and embrace joyfully the trials and tribulations, the torture and perhaps martyrdom that will come upon you for being a child of God in a broken world working out its own redemption in empty pursuits.

It's so crazy/great/amazing/mind-blowing/challenging/evvvverything...because...we're being called to the greatest intimacy and the greatest relationship we can ever know...at the same time we're being called to be the most "alone" we could possibly be.

I don't know that I want to say anything more about it right now.
But it's bone-chillingly exciting, isn't it??

some get made, and some get sent

2007-09-25T18:46:00.000-07:00

I was having a conversation about "brokeback mountain" today with a couple girls in the collegium today. One of the girls told me that she refused to see it, for the obvious reasons.... its a movie about two gay cowboys. which is understandable. i would have said the same thing 5 years ago (before bible school messed me up).

and so, i made a strong case for the movie. the movie captures certain human emotions that the christian church has disregarded in the past. even the churches that are actually "talking about" this issue. somewhere in the bible it says (and i'm a loser for not knowing where it is/ likely taking it out of context) ;

"if my people don't praise me, the rocks will cry out".

this is a generalized statement but the church, for the most part, does not explore deep and painful human emotions, as much as it seeks for a constant escape from those emotions in favor of a happier life experience.

movies, music, and other facets of communication are speaking about humanity, and realizing things about being human that most "Christians" will not realize. These days God isn't just found in churches, Christian book stores, or praying everyday. God is found in the fringes, in the dark places we are afraid to talk about.

God is found in the places where we don't think He belongs. One more point- if you read the books of Paul, you won't get the sense that following Christ is easy. Its a tough go. To really follow Christ is to be human.

And I think its really humbling lesson, being that sometimes it hurts being human.

concerts and cute girls

2007-09-18T19:07:00.000-07:00

I spent a good portion of my day putting together this indie book of poems (which is being created by microsoft word, and being printed at Staples. thus, indie). I feel really drained of new thought now. I feel very unpoetic.

If I had a car (if I only had a car, do do do, do do do do... wizard of oz?) i would drive to some new places, and get some new stories. all my old pictures and poems are starting to lose effect.

meh. whatever. it'll happen. the other portion of my day has been spent thinking about a girl... who goes to my school. I'm pretty much a complete wuss, and i'm too afraid to ask her out.

I am lame.

I resolve to write better poems, that are not about "home" or "coffee" or "tea" in any way soon. I should start writing about walks, travels, difficulties along the way... as soon as I take some walks.

Well, i took a walk today, during an unsuccessful attempt to get my passport... grr. thats another story.

I resolve, also, to go for a walk with said girl... and actually be a man! by be a man, i mean walk beside her instead of two feet ahead (my downfall of last night. oh. i haven't told you that story yet. i took her to see City and Colour last night... well, technically she took me, because i'm carless... after the show we stumbled awkwardly through the crowd, and i walked somewhat ahead instead of right beside. ah! I am not a man). looking back its kind of funny. kind of.

so many more details. lets talk.

after that said walk. by the way, my house really feels like christmas right now. i love it.

talk to you later.

simple as that.

2007-09-17T11:10:00.000-07:00

People often say about Him: "I'm ready to accept Jesus as a great moral teacher, but I don't accept His claim to be God." That is the one thing we must not say. A man who was merely a man and said the sort of things Jesus said would not be a great moral teacher. He would either be a lunatic--on a level with the man who says he is a poached egg--or else he would be the Devil of Hell. You must make your choice. Either this man was, and is, the Son of God: or else a madman or something worse. You can shut Him up for a fool, you can spit at Him and kill Him as a demon; or you can fall at His feet and call Him Lord and God. But let us not come with any patronizing nonsense about His being a great human teacher. He has not left that open to us. He did not intend to.

from Mere Christianity

This is a pretty well-known bit of literature...but I just love it.
And I just love C.S. Lewis.
And I just love that the God we follow is so clever.

Intro to Now

2007-09-12T12:55:00.000-07:00

I hope you all don't think I'm completely obnoxious, goin' to town posting on here so much...but maybe I'm so used to spending this time of year on assignments that I feel compelled to "submit" things in some fashion? Besides, I know for a fact the rest of you are going to be all caught up in having to actually do so for school, so consider this my "gift" to you--brief distractions from your homework that are entirely rhetorical (and maybe even hopefully a breath of fresh air or something)!

Today's selection comes to us from one spectacularly brilliant fellow named Dick Staub. I read his Too Christian, Too Pagan: How to Love the World Without Falling For It a couple times for some youth culture classes and really loved it. He's a rad old dude who has a passion for bringing faith and culture together and helping them understand and complement each other. Another freaking amazing book I read in a similar vein was Fearless Faith: Living Beyond the Walls of Safe Christianity by John Fischer. I highly recommend both of 'em!

I just started in on Staub's latest:
The Culturally Savvy Christian: A Manifesto For Deepening Faith and Enriching Popular Culture in an Age of Christianity-Lite.

I've only read the introduction so far, but I'm psyched for it. It's cool to hear the wisdom of a guy a generation ahead and see how things are already on the move...changing..shifting...to create fertile soil for new things that old souls are praying for. It's sad to me that a whole generation has had to live through such a cultural and spiritual famine (and that their children have been raised up into the barren landscape of it). But it's awesome that their prayers are being answered and we can feel it happening within our young hearts--the curiosity and the call, the hunger and thirst for a righteousness and a mission that's been hibernating beneath a heap of misdirection all these years.

So yeah. I just wanted to share some of Mister Staub's words from the Intro here! I hope he doesn't mind! :)

In this intellectually and aesthetically impoverished age of Christianity-Lite, it is heartening to remember that for centuries, Christians were known for their intellectual, artistic, and spiritual contributions to society. Bach, Mendelssohn, Dante, Dostoevsky, Newton, Pascal, and Rembrandt are but a few who personified the rich tradition of faith, producing the highest and best work, motivated by a desire to glorify God and offered in service of others for the enrichment of our common environment: culture. These were culturally savvy Christians--serious about the centrality of faith in their lives, savvy about both faith and culture, and skilled in relating the two. Their calling was to follow in the footsteps of Jesus, who came into the world as a loving, transforming presence. They transformed culture by fulfilling their roles as creators of culture, as communicators in culture, and, at times, as countercultural influencers who operated like aliens in a foreign land.
...
Lewis...and Tolkien...passed from the scene when they were needed most--during an era of global cultural devolution characterized by the rising influence of popular culture and the declining influence of Christianity. Their generation of thoughtful creatives, whose work was built on a solid foundation of spiritual depth, intellectual rigor, and creative excellence and was therefore influential in the broader culture, was succeeded by a generation of Christians who were content to withdraw from culture, do combat with it, or, worse yet, build an imitative, intellectually and aesthetically vacuous parallel culture.
...
I have concluded that both pupular culture and Christian faith are mired in intellectual superficiality and artistic mediocrity, the result of seeds sown in the 1960s that are now deeply rooted and in full bloom. The hopeful new spiritual era promised by the pervasive, powerful popular culture created by my generation in the 1960s has produced, for the most part, an unsatisfying, mindless, soulless, and spiritually delusional popular culture today.

The same may also be said of American Christianity. Since the 1960s, many conservative Christians have sought comfort in a protective cocoon, circling the wagons to keep the "good people" inside and the "bad people" out, only occasionally venturing out of the cocoon to do combat with the wider culture. They view popular culture as a threat because it conveys beliefs, values, and behaviors antithetical to faith, and they wish not to enrich culture by actively participating in it but rather to isolate themselves from culture or to prevail in culture through the political process.

Furthermore, it is my position that the evangelical movement, which from its earliest days chose not to withdraw from culture but rather to influence it, has instead been more influenced by the culture than influential in it...Today, evangelicalism is the fastest-growing and, arguably, the most influential Christian movement in America. The press describes evangelicals as a large and powerful voting bloc; a marketing niche that purchases billions of dollars' worth of books, music, and other commercial products; and a burgeoning distribution network of megachurches, colleges, publishers, and broadcasters. But when did you last hear evangelicals described as an intellectual and artistic force in the broader culture?
...
early intellectual and cultural aspirations of evangelicals have...largely given way to a pop Christianity that mirrors and sometimes exceeds the superficiality of popular culture.
...
The Christian community has degenerated into an intellectually and artistically anemic subculture, and the general population is consuming an unsatisfying blend of mindless, soulless, spiritually delusional entertainment. We are caught between a popular culture attempting to build art without God and a religious culture that believes in a God disinterested in art.
...
Michael Stipe...adds,"We are floundering more--culturally, politically, spiritually--than I can imagine anyone has been in several centuries. It's hard to imagine that so many people are confused about who they are, what their dreams, hopes and aspirations and desires are--and who's pulling the strings."
...
Walker Percy observed,"You live in a deranged age, more deranged than usual, because in spite of great scientific and technological advances, man has not the faintest idea of who he is or what he is doing."
...
the rediscovery of our common lineage as humans created in the image of God and made to glow with God's presence...evidence of God's presence and transforming work in an individual's life is revealed in the culture produced by that person.
...
Evaluated by that standard, both today's culture and the Christian subculture operating within it reflect a spiritual, intellectual, artistic, relational, and moral impoverishment.
...
I do believe that there is hope, and I believe that the next generation is poised to embrace a deeper faith and create a richer culture.
...
Such radically fully human people, aglow with God's presence, will create a culture, counter culture, and communicate a better way of life in culture.

I've been assaulting young people all year with the breaking news that they don't have to ship off to bible college to become a pastor or a missionary in order to minister...so thank you Jamison, for making musics! and Adam for writing life! and Karl for taking care of people! and Graeme for pursuing creative solutions! and Nanc' for being a wreckless adventurer! ('cause I know you're reading this ;)

I love and respect you guys a lot, and appreciate your support and action in our quest to bring Love to life!

Let's do this thing.

<3

cbc radio

2007-09-10T10:58:00.000-07:00

over the summer i switched over from always having a cd in my car stereo to having it tuned to cbc radio. i love the variety of things that happen on that station--one morning it will be some bland dialogue about weeds...that evening it will be a woman recounting a time she was trapped in an underground cave for days in a narrative...the next night piano concertos...

last week as i meandered across town to pick up a coffee before work i listened to two women discussing preserves (eg: canned fruit) and i kid you not--they sounded exactly like that old snl skit. i could just picture their grandmotherly applique sweaters and mouse-brown mom haircuts as they cracked impressively lame jokes in sedated tones.

this morning i engaged an old call-in man who extolled the virtues of renting instead of owning. he thought it was wasteful and ridiculous to be old and live in a house and simply sit on a hefty pension.

yesterday i had the ol' post-church-brunch experience i've come to love with my parents and my uncle rod. i am moving to kelowna and uncle used to live there, so naturally dad (the taker-carer) had enlisted him to tell me every tiny bit of information he could think of about the place, and naturally uncle rod (the likes-to-demonstrate-vast-knowledge guy) piped up with about a zillion "tips." i guess most people would love that, but i was kind of looking forward to just going somewhere i know nothing about and figuring it all out when i got there.

i try to avoid "reviews" of what a story or a book or a movie or a person or a song or a place is "about," because i like to just experience it anew--with no expectations or preconceived notions (i don't even like movie trailers very much). i mean usually, i think people's preconceived notions are bullshit anyways. so my favorite part of the conversation yesterday had to be uncle rod's synopsis of a certain park in the city.

it began promising enough (i don't mind general/objective facts so much)--"it is a place that a lot of homeless folks hang out." of course immediately in my insides that sparks excitement and intrigue, because i remember how wonderful and interesting and kind all the homeless folks i've ever encountered have been (even the most obnoxious and drunk ones are more pleasant or at least alive than the oblivious and socially crippled suburbanites i attempt to talk to daily)...and of course immediately in everyone-else-at-the-table's insides it sparks wary insta-judgement that in turn sparks generalized comments involving "staying away from there" and several socially assigned adjectives like "sketchy" and "dangerous" and whatever else you could think of to describe characters who are written off simply by their lot in life. you know. those things parents of young ladies say that they don't necessarily mean as judgemental and unloving, but more as warnings not to hang out in the dark in city parks.

obviously i'm not going to have a campout by myself or something, and i understand smalltown mentalities and parental protectiveness...but i can't help but marvel at the way we all have become subconsciously obsessed with the preservation of ourselves.

my parents are really sweet people, but i get confused by the way they want my brother and i to "be okay." i get confused by the way the church wants its congregants to "be okay." the obsession with preservation is so ridiculously obvious in our culture (oil of olay/botox/extreme makeover/"adultlescents"/wars/arms caches/insurance/rrsps...) ... but i feel like the church kind of talks around it. like we love to hear stories of crazy faith and daring adventures and all while we're in our padded pews perusing the bulletin's paragraph about a new security system which will ensure the protection of the expensive new sound system, and deciding which restaurant to go to after...which is nothing new, everone gripes about this...but really when it comes down to it, safety is for some reason more appealing than faith. we sit safely on our savings as though we can somehow carry them with us. no one seems very interested in spending their life.

everyone looks at me like i'm crazy these days too, after they ask if i've got a job out in b.c. waiting for me. apparently wandering is so last new testament. (must be a new faux-duct-tape version come out since my generic niv that bases paul in a two-story with an suv and a sweet home church gig.) ummm...does anyone remember that the guy made a living making tents? and did ministry on his own time and dime? i just never really got this whole paid-pastoral-precooked perspective.

in the end, each day will be taken care of. and i'd be more "comfortable" on my deathbed with an empty account than a thousand things heaped beneath me.

only the good stories

2007-09-08T11:22:00.000-07:00

Hey Hey.

I just wrote this long, inconsistent, rant about the environment, ro try and convince MCC that it would be good idea to send me to new york, to talk about the environment.

And now i kind of feel like a jerk. So. i'm going to unwind a bit.

I'm sitting at my school's cafeteria, facing the big window and the cashier. just 10 or so hours ago i was sitting on the grass on the other side of that window, watching folk music with friends. And, there is that weird aroma of french fries cooking in the kitchen, and mint from the chapstick on the table beside me.

Hm. I wonder, why isn't life like this all the time? simple? me, and some people i know, spent a good five months piecing a concert together, just for the sake of capturing this sort of moment.

Call it, the grace of time- the time of planning gives equally the time to take a couple deep breaths, and try life out in different ways than before. We, as people, are not unlike the seasons- we have to change...often. if we stay the same, or if we try and live life with the exact same recurrent routine, it will wreck us. and not in a good way.

i would rather be wrecked by falling in love with someone, sharing a kiss on a cold august night...rather than be wrecked by being too careful, or by trying to force the hand of life to provide profound moments. some things just take more careful work, more sincerity, more honesty...and frankly, more patience.

life has seasons, and what matters isn't trying to make the seasons stay a certain temperature. neither is it about trying to re-live the same moments twice, hoping that the second moment will feel better than the first. what really matters is carefully piecing together conversations, concerts, and cups of coffee (aka, moments of grace), and learning to take deep breaths after the moment you got to have with these things is past.

to answer my question, the reason life isn't like this all the time - simple- it that it would just get boring after awhile.

more later, y'all.

(after i dispose of my crappy rant).

-Adam

016//art

2007-09-05T13:26:00.000-07:00

here's something to mull over:

(thought copyright credited to dave vanderWHAT!)

when you create, and you leave it as something just between you and your art, it is meaningless. art only begins to have meaning when it is communicated to an audience, as long as it isn't to yourself. when this communication takes place, it is an event. think about it: when God created life, he didn't keep it to himself, but rather he involved us and himself in it. creation was an event, as it should be now. the communicating of an artist to an audience should be an event, and within that communication, there should be something to say. why create something that only serves as a tool to fuel your own needs. why not create something for the world, just as God created life for us.

the now and the not yet

2007-09-05T10:41:00.000-07:00

One of the only distinct things I remember from my first year of bible college is this crazy silly professor, Dr. Knudtson, going on and on in gospels class about "the now and the not yet." I'm a sucker for a paradox, so this description of the Kingdom seduced me big time.

I just finished The Irresistible Revolution and was thrilled to see one of my very most favorite verses on one of the last pages...

[ INTERJECTION
Dear Graeme and Jamison, Here is my official review of the book:
"Excitingly eerie. Every other page seemed to pull a direct quote out of my own mouth and/or notebook and affirm that I am as ridiculous as everyone makes me feel...and that I wouldn't have it any other way. Seriously creeped me out. La-la-loved it. Perfect timing."]

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." -- Heb. 11:1

I tried to make Kim watch King Arthur last night (to no avail). Vange and I made up our own parallel medieval existence once (we're kind of reckless nerds). There's just something mysteriously appealing about the idea of a kingdom and a king and all the adventure that goes along with it. No good fairy tales take place in shopping malls or the dim glow of a computer screen.

It's difficult for me to take people who don't believe in magic seriously. I like logic well enough, but it's just very shallow. I like the idea of a place like heaven waiting far away, but it's just very lazy. The world is not a waiting room. If that were the case, we'd all be Sleeping Beauty. Nope, we are the prince! Our earthly years, our nows, are the ages of adventure we spend serving our magical King...

So get out there and kiss some slumbering maidens, 'cause we could definitely use more lively folks in this story of ours!

(BTS)

2007-09-03T13:16:00.000-07:00

hey thanks, adam! that was a nice listen and those fellows seem very sincere. i like sincere folks, most especially in september.

so guys--back to school huh!?
all my dear boys, venturing back into the land of books and complicated discussions and challenges...i couldn't be more excited for you! i hope you will find time here and there to share some of these among one another here in our funny little meeting place :)

alas, your big sis' (for the first fall in 18 years) won't be joining the back-to-schoolers... (but there are enough books and people and blank pages in the world to keep her aggressively curious nature nourished!) ah, i am talking in third person...does it make me sound smart? mahah. (don't worry, i'm not.) (smart, that is. i'm a faker.) the most memorable thing i learned in college was "the more you learn, the less you know." i don't know if that's an actual quote from someone, but i think it's definitely a gem we all realize is sparkling uncomfortably in our core at some point along the journey.

one precious thought i do know is an "actual quote," however--and that is irresistible (as your wiser, elder sister ;) for me to share--is this:

"Christians should be troublemakers, creators of uncertainty, agents of a dimension incompatible with society." ---Jacques Ellul

happy havoc, my friends!

...I know my frame of mind

2007-09-03T12:36:00.000-07:00

thought i would post a good video, to break the weird September feeling. have some fun.

prologue

2007-08-30T23:24:00.000-07:00

i was standing on the edge of the atmosphere
when i saw it

it was like nothing i'd ever seen
and everything i'd ever dreamed
(the dreams you dream in the deep dark)
and it passed me by
and it caught my
breath
stole it up in its trailing tails
till my legs grew weak
and my useless feet
conspired to renounce their post

oh they followed my gaze
and they spied but a haze
unimpressive and surely without
any merit or meaning
...
and in any case they were all caught up
in the earth's underbrush
and the sight of my stance
(which appeared in a glance
to be perilous if not entirely fatal)
made their otherwise dull visages
twist into dreadful grimaces

.and here is where i learned
that hilarity and tragedy are lovers.

oh they cringed and they moaned
and they offered me up
glass bottles of air
in their helpful little hands
because they felt sad my breath had been taken away
and pretty as they were
all colored and filled
with the stuff of life
all trapped inside them...

i knew in the deep
in the deep
in the dark
that it hadn't been
my breath

but my heart

to be continued * * *

ransom

2007-08-27T11:40:00.000-07:00

fall in love
and hold nothing back

-- aaron marsh

its hard for me, but I'm trying

2007-08-26T21:27:00.000-07:00

I posted this thinger on "facebook" a while ago (because i am lame. I should have posted a detailed survey on what i like and don't like in a potential life partner, or on how many people i have kissed and where instead... like everyone else does).

oh well. i modified the poem a bit since then, after watching "Big Kahuna".

august is a bridge between two lives, and I am far from both.
the ending summer and the new semester. the new morning and
the old hope falling asleep like the seconds before sunset.

i want to taste community
like grape juice from a tall glass after a long dry day,
passed hand to hand, with finger marks by the outer brim.
to meet the Bride of Christ, her artistry like trusting arms.

we keep to ourselves like water in teapots.
every tea needs several cups to pass around,
and every eye needs lines for someone else to notice.
I lie to myself when i see love in everything.

there is character that is further down than skin deep,
a face is useful to fool even yourself. we need some integrity,
and some stories from when decided to live.
we need new lines to draw wisdom, without words.

august is a bridge between two seasons,
old hope fading like a cool morning air
and a new hope of living, like coming back home.
and we are far from both.

015//faith

2007-08-24T23:06:00.000-07:00

i've come across some really great realizations tonight. to summarize:

- everything happens on God's watch, not mine.
- prayer most definitely works, and we underestimate it.
- we can not turn our back on people who "backslide" on their faith.
- asking coffee shop employees for the shop's wireless password is hands down the most terrifying thing that a north american can experience.

i swear, i got the stink-eye from that girl the whole rest of the night.

another stupid adventure

2007-08-24T20:55:00.001-07:00

When i was a kid my dad would take me and my brothers on these random boating trips, around the outer harbor of Nanaimo. We would float for hours towards Duke Point, and we would pass by log-booms crowded with sea lions, barking either for attention or for food;

Ohr! Ohr! I think thats that best way to describe the sound they made... Ohr!

And we would feel seasick, and mad that our dad had dragged us on another stupid adventure.

But then, when i take my own random stupid adventures, like driving to Whiterock with friend, and standing out on the dock until 12am. At one point, looking at a mile of water reflected lights and stars thinking "man. I've had a good life".

And I have had a good life. I grew up beside one of Earth's finest treasures. As much as the ocean has been polluted and made to serve the means of careless tourism industries and shipping, it has its moments.

It has its moments when you stand out on a clear night and the moon beams down in a pool-like reflection on the water at a distance, tracing a subtle line a long ways away. I have to feel blessed that the water in British Columbia at least has the appearance, and aroma, of clean and untouched even if the reality may be far from that.

I can't believe I almost forgot about that.

something different

2007-08-16T21:20:00.000-07:00

If everything is explained, proved, and calculated,

if the whole planet turns

into a fireball of a super brain

all-seeing, all-hearing, all-knowing,

one thing will remain unexplained to the end:

that human longing for something different,

a different time,

a different way,

a different place.

- Blaga Dimitrova

i almost cried (where is a shoulder? where is a sleeve?)

2007-08-15T21:30:00.000-07:00

i almost cried watching the news the other night. it was a story about a missing girl. but i have heard that many times before.
her mother was pleading with the entire nation. through tears equal to the most eloquent summer shower, she begged for someone to come forward with something. so many unknowns. so many variables. but i didn’t cry when the mother cried. i have seen that before.
my mother was watching too. “another sicko,” she said, “with his lost dog story.”
another another another.
but this time, and in that moment, something turned inside me. i almost cried.

i almost cried for this little girl because Lord knows where she is or what she is going through. but i have seen enough news stories and television shows. i know what usually happens.

i almost cried with the mother. helpless, confused, desperate, what are you feeling? i thought of myself as a parent.
i thought of myself as a parent…

i almost cried at my helplessness. my mind began calculating, scheming. i am healthy and able-bodied. how could i get to Quebec and help? would i be of any help? what could i even do?

i almost cried for the many times i have not cried at the news. if we allowed ourselves to actually be impacted by all the stories we hear and see, could we handle it?

* * *

forget the news, forget the big picture for a moment.
what if we actually opened up to each other, instead of making secrets out of silly things?
what if i told you what i have done, what i have come through?
could you handle it?
could i handle it?
is it even appropriate or necessary?

for me, this all relates back to my recent thinking about community, about living real and close and intentionally with other people. and i cannot help but think that the more we knew about those we live with, the more joy and freedom we would all have – even if we are sharing the rubbish and badness we carry with us. if we got it out, we could celebrate.

can you imagine being in Jesus’ physical presence every day? you would not be able to hide anything. if you were figuring something out or struggling or hurt, he would look at you – that would be it.
it would be overwhelming to look into those eyes. but comforting too.
so what is the difference for us then? we are still invited to be with him every day. he has left the Spirit as a guide and mentor. but we, we have made privacy a right. and we, we have made Jesus private.
we have even come up with pretty little ways to pretend we are sharing our struggles and being real. and so our stories have all become the same. mine is the same as yours, and yours too, so why would you be interested?
“i grew up in a Christian home, at some point i backslid until i made Jesus my own.”
but what is backsliding? it is as unimaginative as using the “f” word incessantly, except the “f” word has more passion, misplaced though it may be.
how we backslid – and how we got out of it – that is what makes us real people! you want to be relevant? you want to be real? forget going to the pub after your evening service, featuring clips from a Bono interview – tell your story!

of course it is easier said. i think of things i have to tell and the thought that follows immediately is “but how would they react?”
shame. pride.
these have almost become as much a part of the church as the inspired Word itself. but how, how deadly they are. and so long as we cling to our privacy, propped up by personal issue prayer requests and bland backsliding, they will thrive.
but where there is light, there cannot be darkness. where there is honesty, there is acceptance. and where there are struggles laid bare, for us to share, there will be love.

it is scary, and as i have heard it put so well, people are messy. and i do not know if i am even ready to actually run with my thoughts here. and if i was, i do not know if anyone else would want to as well. and as much as we need to care about the world, about missions and overseas, there is no need to do a building project in Mexico if you want to get your hands dirty.
just give your neighbour a hug.
who knows, maybe their dirt will seem strangely familiar.

in many cultures, washing laundry is something done together.

wanderlust

2007-08-10T07:13:00.000-07:00

there is something seemingly timeless and classically inspiring about walking down a set of train tracks. i feel as though i am part of a long history, some sort of North American pilgrimage or rite of passage.
i feel as though i am in a wandering communion with the Hemingways or Kerouacs, the Bob Dylans and Johnny Cashes.

the tracks i walk along run through the city – houses to my right, industrial lots on my left – but i am alone, away from any sign of human existence save the railroad itself. the grass stands as high as my waist and i imagine all around to be the untamed, wide open plains.
the city, the traffic are drowned out by the lonesome warble of the red-winged blackbird on a cattail stalk and the frantic flittering call of the killdeer scampering about the stones.
the only sign of the trains themselves are the rails worn silver and the occasional trail of spilled wheat or corn.
i am reminded of the city again when i see the pigeons gathered for an abundant meal.

along the tracks, i find it easier to think, easier to wonder, easier to get caught up in pondering life. but that’s all – simply realizing that there is life and i am in it.
and i sing out loud
to no one
except maybe
the ghost of Johnny Cash.

(and so the sun and the moon will run away together)

2007-08-09T17:01:00.000-07:00

i feel
like
love
i could touch your face and leave a trace like
fingerpaints

and all the ones i meant to tell
are gathered in the space behind my eyes
straining out from ancient cells
between the iron guards of consciousness and abandon

and on my chest above my heart
the summer sun has left a mark in milky white
--a locket with a secret
i tried to keep
(that can't ever quite be kept)

so now i play
dress up
cover up
but
i laugh at me when i catch a glimpse
in some familiar glass
because i know it's there
and i'm so aware
that someday
so will you
.

one more cup of coffee before i go

2007-08-09T16:26:00.000-07:00

Thanks Adam for all the info. I'll be checking it out for sure. one little thing: your one link seems to be missing ("try this site out").

It's amusing as the other day my mom and i were out grocery shopping and we couldn't believe how much produce (in terrible condition i might add) is from the US. even peaches! it's peach season in the Okanogan and they're shipping peaches from California!?
i couldn't help but wonder if part of the reason for the produce being such poor quality is that we're messing around so much with growing seasons. we're probably pushing the plants and the soil beyond their capacities.

and it is true, simple small steps.

* * *

i hear you on the sadness, as i too am very good at talking about things and then not getting involved in making them happen. i do think it is still so important to keep thinking and talking and dreaming, as you never know when you will bring it up with just the right person and something will happen.

i get overwhelmed and then i feel like just going back to bed. (Copeland? "I just woke to eat some chocolate
And...I'll go straight back to bed").
but sometimes the sadness is comforting. i'm reminded that we are all broken, in a broken world. but it's okay. and i find i'm okay with that, even though i haven't fixed anything.
i had a good reminder of this the other night. like as if Jesus sat me down and reminded me in that way that parents kindly point something out to you that you momentarily forgot and your only response is an agreeing "yeah, i know."
it was , "who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?...therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. each day has enough trouble of its own."
simple to agree with, so often harder to live.
but if i may, i will join you for a cup of tea.

* * *

(i wrote this poem a few days ago. it seemed fitting)

the end of the world

sounds like we've got plans
for the end of the world
as if plan 'a' has been demoted
for the chance to curl
up with a good book
or today's newspaper unfurled
sounds like a warm cup of tea will be just fine
and we've got plans for the end of the world

- graeme andrew

let's have some tea, and slow down

2007-08-02T17:41:00.000-07:00

heres a small list of things to do if you want to save the environment that i complied in my head while dusting vents in a gym-

1) you have to start very small. you can't expect to change your entire lifestyle drastically, because it just won't work. thus, the reason that diets and new years resolutions always fail.

2) start to live with less stuff. i mean, this isn't a hard thing to do. solving the environmental issue isn't about money... in fact, if you live simply you will spend far less money. how much of the stuff in your house gets used daily? does it ever really get used?

theres an adage that says "i life full of things is an empty life". Now, take it a bit further... if you do too many things, if you consume yourself with endless plans, meetings, groups, and time costraints you will forget that there is even beauty on this earth.

how about taking one or two, maybe 6, things off the ol' to do list, and start to love the few things that are left... like coffee on a friend's backdeck, or taking deep breaths over a good book of prose.

3) start to re-think how you eat. pick up a copy of "Simply in Season", or "The 100 mile diet" and start to eat more intelligently.

start buying food with stories, with a big of dignity. food that is handed to you from a farmers hand, still weathered with a bit of dirt from the field... as oppposed to something grown in california, processed in a factory in ontario, and shipped to a safeway in BC (thats a whole lot of mileage).

this is not to say "diet", its to say learn how to buy things in season, which have not been shipped across the world seven times over.

coffee and green tea are one thing... you can't grow coffee in cold places, where it rains a lot. but salt, wheat, apples- these are all things we can produce closer to home. you can easily grow some tomatoes on your backdeck (something which i have to remember to do next year. gah, after i simplify my life and stop doing so much).

in the words of some wise person (it might have been syllvester stallone) changing shouldn't be drastic. if you eat 10 pieces of pizza for dinner everyday, start eating 6. you have to start somewhere.

4) try some fair trade coffee, tea, pants, whatever. you are helping farmers earn an honest living, and supporting income for those who have none. and you're also saving a lot of processing that coffee generally goes through. and it just tastes better.

aaaand, try this site out

~

on a completely un-related note, theres this weird pattern that has started to develop in all my recent conversations- about love, life, pasta, women, and whatever else. the pattern is that i always fall into a despair by the end of the conversation.

i start to talk about things i can't comprehend that well- community, justice, poverty. then i talk about ideals to solve problems that i can't live up to. plans which are too big for me to live out right away.

and then i worry that i will never "find someone" ... someone to walk beside, and translate all, or maybe some, of the mysteries of life with. that would probably be my "lonely-student-who-has-been-single-for-a-long-time" speaking

hmm. i tend to get sad way too often. i should really do something about that. oh well.

lets have tea, sometime today. hmm. but since we all live so far away from each other i will drink some tea, think about you, and hope you will do the same. later.

-Adam

014//risks

2007-07-25T20:35:00.001-07:00

i haven't posted anything of any inner-thinkings in some time, so let's take this time to do some delving:

- i've found myself a lot more discontent with Christians as off late. whether it's seeing them at work (rude, demanding pricks, especially towards customer service workers), church functions (clique-y, and more often than not, narrow-minded and sheltered) or in every day life, it's easy to point out what's wrong with evangelicals nowadays. i find myself in a strange middle ground, where i'm not a fascist fundamentalist, but i still have faith, and wouldn't think of abandoning it for a "worldly life". it's frustrating to not have a community where i feel accepted: at work i'm too christian, and church i'm too worldly. i guess it's really just what God cares about, and not what others do, but it's hard not to think of those things.

- i don't risk things enough. a peer of mine just told me that she was going to be attending a school for discipleship in Jamaica, and China after that. can you imagine leaving a comfortable life, and getting thrown into a foreign land, all in the name of God? can you even imagine the kind of risks and sacrifices that persecuted Christians have to endure each day of their lives!? people are dying in the name of our saviour, and we're worried about whether we can get to fucking McDonalds before the second service starts. we're SO blind, and we're so North American. this generation of Christians needs an Andy Warhol: someone who is counter-cultural and innovative in faith. *blown mind warning* here's the catch: WE HAVE A PERSON LIKE THAT: JESUS. why are we so swayed by our idols, and why aren't we more like Jesus.

so there's two thoughts for you. sorry for the gratuitous eff bomb, those things happen.

...too much to ask of you

2007-07-24T17:17:00.000-07:00

hey friends. i wrote up this long, rather emo, reflection last night. i didn't want my other journal to start feeling too redundant, or too filled with fragmented thoughts... so i'm posting it here instead.

a simple thought which turns into an internal dialog;

I've been wondering something today- A lot of self-help books, that i have ignored, put across this idea that you have to be perfect, or balanced in order to have a healthy relationship with someone.

And well meaning Christ-Help books, which I have considered, share the same idea, with well meaning words and compassion. One particular book reads "If you try and enter into a relationship without a sense of completeness, every relationship will be an attempt to complete yourself".

So thats the idea I'm wrestling with today. Basically, I'll break into a long narrative now, I had a lot of ambiguous relationships growing up. My parent's relationship fell apart when I was in grade 7, and that broke me. I didn't date in high school, mainly because i didn't think girls like me. The one relationship i had in high school was with a girl i didn't like, and i was only in it because i thought "i might as well take what i can get".

Because of all this i have a distorted outlook on love. I expect people to reject me so i try and win approval, i sell myself short because i feel like i don't deserve it. My friends don't see the real me often enough- they see the cliche me that is lonely, and therefore hopelessly romantic. In that i spend so much time chasing after a relationship that i miss the point of love completely.

What I'm getting at is that I have a hard time reconciling with love. I'm trapped in this paradox that says "because i have been broken in the past, and because i have a messed up view of relationships, i myself should not be in a relationship".

It becomes "because I was denied love, I can't have love".

And so theres this fear of entering a relationship with all my emotion baggage, and brokenness, because i would expect too much of the other person. i would expect them to fix me. So, another idea is developed- that i need to fix myself before i can love someone.

That shouldn't be my view of love. That is simply not what love is. Love is carrying each other's stuff. Its saying "we are in this together". Its wrong for me to expect a relationship to fix me, but its also wrong to think that i am incapable of being loved.

~

I've said this before- I think about relationships every day of my life. I'm not exaggerating. Either its the strange blessing I have been given, or... its the longing for something deeper that i have been given. I want my relationships to reflect a deeper sense of belonging, of openness. I want my relationships to be everything i was denied as a kid...

I want to feel like I'm worth something to someone.

~

Too often our views on broken relationships are transfered to Christ- no-one liked me as a kid, so why would Jesus like me? I can't find anyone who will love me, even with all the stupid things i do, so why would Jesus want to love me?

Theres an entire religion that says "you have to have your stuff together in order to find love". The truth is there are two laws that Jesus held in esteem, above every other Hebrew law- Love God, and love people.

I don't have to resort to wondering whats wrong with me, and making that the reason for every rejection i feel. But I do anyway. There shouldn't be entire "churches" built on this idea. But there are.

Donald Miller put it best (as he always does) in a lecture for Seattle Pacific University (which you can download free on ITunes, shame-less plug). He said that its not about religion, its about relationship. Its about believing the truth, that Christ desires a relationship with me, over the lie, that i have to fix myself before Christ can love me.

all this does is keep us from the intimate, understanding, personal relationship with Christ- someone to talk to when we feel like a loser, and someone to hold us close when we feel alone.

Now, if only we, as followers of Christ, would stop bitching about how sinners are taking over the world and started loving like Jesus did... If the Church was anything like the loving community that it was intended to be...If only I myself started loving like Jesus did... maybe we all wouldn't feel so lonely, and worthless.

~

I had this image in my head last night, when i was trying to describe all these ideas to my roommate. i told him, "its like you're trying to save a person from falling off the cliff. There is the superhero approach that sits at the top of the cliff trying to pull a friend up by a rope, and there is the human approach. The human approach is being beside the person on the cliff, helping them get to safety."

being beside a person. I think that this approach makes a huge difference. Rather than try and play "secure" we should be honest with whats really going on, deep down.

thats shalom, in all its simplicity. hm. and there are probably a hundred better ways to describe it.

013//gifts

2007-07-17T11:26:00.001-07:00

at the end of the month, i'm going to victoria to record an ep with my friend aidan knight. in light of these new, good recordings, i've decided to share all my demos with you lovely people. enjoy!

1. the things we truly miss
2. alone in the moonlight
3. the afternoon leaves
4. leaving town
5. waltzing away the thoughts of you and me
6. when words fall short
7. goodbye
8. homes away from home
9. words
10. anything
11. the meadow
12. you and the tree, in the rain
13. brianne
14. on my way home
15. safe and sound
16. sunsets
17. in the streets
18. your plans

Jamison.

summer fun!

2007-07-11T12:16:00.000-07:00

hey guys!

umm..i don't think i really have anything neat-o or thought-provoking to write about...i just wanted to say hi :) i'm getting pretty excited to move out to BC. sometimes i drive around at night or in the early morning and look at nice trees and imagine there are hundreds of them instead of just a few. you have no idea how excited i get over trees. i would live in one if the opportunity presented itself.

so, summer fun, huh! i haven't really been engaging in that so much this summer. i've just been working during the days and spending evenings visiting my visitors--family mostly--and staying out of the rain that punctuates the sunny days spent inside, and going through everything i own (which is a LOT of stuff because i lived in an apartment-dorm at school for 3 years and i was always the "local" roommate, so i am like one of those home stores that has everything from appliances to tvs to bakeware to lamps to furniture to decor...aaaah i hate owning so much stuff! but at the same time, sucks to get rid of it 'cause i don't want to have to buy it again. oh well, if i decide i want appliances again i'll just get married. for now...garage sale of the century!) i was going to get a second job and work myself into insanity again like i usually do in summers...but i keep getting nice little surprises, like my car insurance rate going down and giving me credit, my high school flute being appraised at $479 and getting paid $400 to spend a collective of about 2 hours speaking to a bunch of sweet kids for a week of camp...so things are stacking up in my favor i think? umm..except i lost my wallet. so that was a setback. but aside from cancelable cards, it only had $5 and, coincidentally enough, a vintage valentine in it. i live a pretty "worthless" life i guess?

speaking of that, i'm getting pretty stoked for speaking at camp. i just picked up a compilation book of C.S. Lewis' signature classics and read a few chapters at the end of Mere Christianity last night, which aligned perfectly with the theme i'm speaking on. i'm going to be talking about different aspects/elements of lukewarmness (from the Rev. 3 scripture). yeah leave it to shaina to pick something out of the book of doom to speak on at teen camp huh! but for real, i love making people uncomfortable. i think comfort is our culture's biggest weakness--spiritual, social, intellectual, you name it. huge pandemic. but you know, it won't all be doom and gloom of course...'cause we have that rad thing called hope! it's tricky telling upper middle class christian kids about hope. it's tricky telling myself about hope. maybe we'll all learn something.

well, i should go play with my dear little seventh grade boys who've drifted in again, as is their custom on days that are too hot to skate. (they're asking what there is to do. i told them to get some slurpees and 5centers, build a fort, and watch the ninja turtles movies. i think they are too young to decipher my early 90s dialect. one of them made fun of me for saying "rad" yesterday. further proof childhood is deteriorating.) actually, one of the kids looks like a young River Phoenix, which is inspiring me to watch Stand By Me, a definite summer fun tradition from the same vein as The Sandlot (shoutout to jamison for upholding!) maybe i'll get a slurpee and some 5centers and build a fort to watch those in--'cause chances are good it's gonna be another stormy night!

songs to swim by

2007-07-11T06:38:00.000-07:00

i think a day at cultus lake would be perfect right now... today at 5. until then, this is what i am listening to these days- the music that is sailing my metaphorical sailboat across a metaphorical ocean.

You will be happy to know, i'm listening to a lot of Canadian stuff these days.

Great Lake Swimmers
- a very chill folk band, from Toronto.

Phillip LaRue
-this guys not Canadian. but, you will fall in love with his emotion filled voice instantly.

Armchair Cynics
-these guy are from victoria. they have a lot of "run around and shout" hooks. very fun.

Chris Ay er
-also not Canadian, but whatever. This guy has songs that are perfect for a day beside some water, or a day wishing you were beside some water.

The Stills
-a pretty half decent act from Montreal, with a "crappy band" sounding name. interesting.

and finally, from the British side of life- Badly Drawn Boy
-another misleading name. i thought this would be pop-punk, but its actually more on the folk-rock side of things. i like it.

happy listening, friends.

i'm pretty much a girl

2007-07-08T15:12:00.000-07:00

so, relationships. I thought that since i think about relationships ever day of my life i would start actually writing about them. i could be the next Josh Harris.

I was wondering today, what my life would be like if i saw every girl (or, young woman, whatever is prefered... i'm too guy-ish to know), as a sister instead of a potential date.

Since i grew up hanging out with my mom i have a preference of hanging out with girls, and watching movies that are created for the female demographic, to the point of feeling like i am pretty much a girl... but i just happen to be a guy.

anyway, in true guy fasion i'm getting off topic- there are girls that i know that i value strongly, for the great relationship i share with them. what if i felt a strong connection to them, but it wasn't a romantic connection... it was just a brother sister connection? if you've never had a brother or sister, or if you're brother or sister turned weird and got married, you might feel the same pull for this kind of relationship that i feel.

i feel like a weirdo for getting this awkward subject out in the open. i hope you haven't stopped liking me. heres an interesting fact about guys, that i will share from my years of wisdom as a guy- when we are boys we chase after candy... when we reach our teen years, and early twenties, all we want is girls. then some of us, when we get older, stop caring about girls and go after cars.

that said, i'm want to take a radical approach, that will probably get me made fun of by everyone (more than usual) - trying to be a brother, that women can relate to, and share conversation with... completely removed from the fear that we have to be "something more".

maybe i'm just dreaming... i don't know. maybe someone else could say it better.

-Adam

(I'll probably look back on this tomorrow and feel embarrassed).

012//miracles

2007-07-02T16:08:00.000-07:00

i haven't written a post on some new music, as of late, so i figured i'd get all up on that. here are some of the people who have been massaging my eardrums:

ohbijou

i found ohbijou through their (apparent through myspace) mutual friends, the acorn, who happen to be one of my favourite bands. after my first listen to the songs on their myspace, i was totally sold on this band. the smooth vocals mix so well with the instrumentation. it's all just so good.

MP3: Ohbijou - St. Francis
Stream: Ohbijou on Myspace

"st. francis" is one of the more upbeat tracks on their record. the truth is that most of the songs on the record are perfect for a sleepy evening: slower, jazz-tinged and just really mellow.

miracle fortress

i had read really great things about miracle fortress' latest record, "five roses", from i(heart)music.net (which is a really great blog if you don't know). one afternoon in futureshop, i found the record for a mere $12, and i had to grab it, without hearing a note of what they sounded like. let's just say that daring move turned out in my favor: the album is unreal. they (he) have this really poppy, synthesized, atmospheric sound, that is full of harmonies and falsetto. it's like a brian wilson for an electronic age.

MP3: Miracle Fortress - Next Train
Stream: Miracle Fortress on Myspace

though it's hard to pick a favourite, i'd have to say that "next train" is my favourite off the record. it's just so good. the whole record is good. just go buy it already.

owen

jamo got me hooked on mike kinsella. for a LONG time he has been saying, "dude, you will love owen" and i kind of shrugged him off. after one listen through "the ep", i realized how i should be doing a better job of keeping in touch with jamo. "the ep" is maybe one of the best eps i've heard in a long time. all of his stuff is unreal, in fact.

MP3: Owen - In The Morning, Before Work
Stream: Owen on Myspace

that's all kids, hope you dig the sounds.

Jamison.

...me, with a head full of words

2007-07-02T09:46:00.001-07:00

i have a day off today, so i thought i would sit down and write some prose, over tea and acoustic music. i guess the use of these esthetical items represents me trying to re-enact the feelings of last summer- lying on a couch in my living room, relaxing, with numerous cups of Komodo Dragon Blend. I would think about life for a moment, and weave stories in my head until they united into one solid good sounding sentence. then i would sit in my room, when it rained, and write long reflections formed around those sentences.

I haven't had a lot of those days this summer. mostly, my summer involves waking up tired, and losing sleep from worrying about life, worrying about how i can find balance with my solitudes, my relationships, and my finances. and, its losing sleep over shalom, and how to feel "at home".

and in trying to find those things, i miss the point completely. that home is as close as opening the window at night so i can hear birds in the morning. or as close as sitting at a coffeeshop talking to old friends (that i have crushes on).

i start to wonder if I relaxing will ever feel the same. "with all this worrying who has time to relax" i might say. One of the thoughts i've worked with the last couple years is how "you need the strength of community to find the joy of solitude". when we spend all our time alone we get lonely. when all our time is spent with people we get bitter.

if there is some magical formula to make the balance between friends and couch reflections, i haven't found it yet. maybe it doesen't exist- but its something that comes with work. its not like work-work- the "arg, i have to wake up ealry to work a job i don't like. blah" feeling. its more the letting youreself enjoy life. letting yourself have the times of reflection. its slowing down and taking breaths, outside in the morning, when the air is fresh.

the question that i always come back to is "when will this summer feel like summer? relaxing and redeeming like i thought it would be?" Is summer supposed to feel profound? I'm not 100% sure. Its not easy to reconcile the words "work" and "rest" in the same sentence. maybe when i stop thinking about all these complications, i will find myself in the very place i've been looking for, as if fumbling into ecstasy (sarah mchlauglin was right).

we'll see i guess. i hope this summer does not leave me feeling unresolved, as much as I think it will.

...if i'm even that anymore

2007-06-28T06:56:00.000-07:00

the song i was listening to last night, while feeling rather down.
call it "the weight of words unsaid"... or "things i wish i could say to my roommate".
its an interesting story. ask me later.

...In the morning in the winter shade
On the first of March on the holiday
I thought I saw you breathing

Oh the glory that the lord has made
And the complications when I see his face
In the morning in the window

Oh the glory when he took our place
But he took my shoulders and he shook my face
And he takes and he takes and he takes...

-sufjan, casimir pulaski day.

classifieds

2007-06-27T11:14:00.000-07:00

alright. so. i'm moving to BC sometime this fall.
that much is clear.
the rest falls into my "phrase of the day" category:

shrouded in mystery.

bahah. honestly. this phrase completely sums up my overall life experience these days. everything is dense fog. (luckily for me, menacing mystery = irresistable.)

so yeah. all i know about the situation is this:
* a few years back in a marv class we had a substitute prof who made some completely vague passing comment about something in BC, and i had one of my "life moments" where an entirely out-of-place impression settled on me. it let me know that's where i was going to wind up.
* as per usual after one of these rare epiphanies, it took a couple years devoid of any further elaboration before it began to come to life. at some point last summer, it reminded me it was there and strange outside and inside things started beckoning me (the only thing i could liken it to would maybe be that small whispery sound of rain on open windows when you're not sure if it's starting to rain yet?)
* continuing with the crappy analogy, it's definitely raining. it's been "spitting" all year, and now there's been a crack of thunder in the most interesting form that seems the closest thing to affirmation i'm going to get. ...bring on the downpour.
* i still don't know the when and the where and the why. i figure the when might be revealed soonest (this summer is the preparation/getting life in order/saving up phase, and i'm aiming for the fall)... the why is definitely being kept an epic secret from me and i don't think i'll know until after i get there (i hope it's something completely unexpected and intriguing and challenging)... and the where is just plain ridiculous. because without the why, that's kind of hard to decide.

i've gone from abbotsford to vancouver to abbotsford to kelowna to insanity. i have no idea where i'm supposed to go. so that's where you come in. yep, you. got any ideas? know anyone who needs a roommate? had any divine revelations regarding my life? let me know. because i know nothing about BC except that i'm supposed to go there.

to be continued...

revisit

2007-06-24T23:27:00.000-07:00

i'm sure i've mentioned my habit of revisiting.
books mainly.
albums often.
films occasionally.
journals or other writings from time to time.
it's endlessly interesting to see who i've become and what God's revealed and hidden and how the world and the wants and the weights have shifted since i last encountered a piece and how i perceive it differently. what once was bland might now break my heart..what once broke my heart might still break my heart..what once went unheard might now be the point..it goes on and on i suppose.

i'll credit our brother karl with bringing me back around to my dear dear treasure, mewithoutYou this weekend. i've been on a music cycle that's neglected them for a good while, but now is the perfect time for them to come back to me. i can read their lyrics and aaron weiss' journals over and over, he is one artist and spirit i admire a great deal. i was just pondering Nice and Blue pt.'s one and two and appreciating the revisit. you don't see very many musicians do that. you might see progressions or elaborations but not really revisits.

i know i'm the nerd who's always posting something other than my own work on here (which i hope will change a bit in the fall), but one of my favorite things is appreciating and sharing the fine work of others. so tonight when i meant to be in bed early, i present to you:

Nice and Blue
parts one and two.

pt.1
from [A-->B]Life

You were a song that I couldn't sing
you were a story I couldn't tell
I've only ever loved myself
But I've loved myself so well.
And how defeated I return!
(you're nice and blue, you're nice and blue)
I missed what I was supposed to learn
as all I learned about was missing you.

A life left half behind, though no longer
blind I can't yet see. I'm not the boy that
I once was, but I'm not the man I'll be.
I've been waiting now, for six years on
(and have only just begun)
For the day you'll hold her in your arms,
oh risen Lord, my precious one.

I was once the wine, and you the wineglass.
I was once alive, when you held me.
God became the glass,
all things left were emptiness
Oh, my little girl, if you look out
and see a trace of dark red that used
to be my face, in the clarity of his
grace: remember me.

pt.2
from Brother, Sister

You were a song I couldn't sing
caught like a bear by the bees with its hand in the hive
who complains of the pain of the sting
when I'm lucky I got out alive!
a life at best left half behind,
the taste of the honey still sweet on my tongue
and I'd run (Lord knows I've tried)
but there's no place on Earth I can hide
from the wrong I've done

then I saw a mountain and I saw a city
steadily sinking but suspiciously calm
it wasn't an end, it wasn't a beginning
but a ceaseless stumbling on
there, strapped like a watch on my wrist
that's finished with gold but can't tell the time
was all or what little pleasure exists
seductively sold and uselessly mine

our horse was fast and first from the gate
with the lead of a length at the sound of the gun
and the last of our cash laid down to fate (at 17 to 1)
but by the final stretch in the rear of the pack
that nag limping bad in the back
we reluctantly gave all the money we'd saved
1/5 to the commonwealth and the rest ot the track
then I saw a forest grow in the city
and a driftwood wall of birdhouse gourds
and I'm still waiting to meet a girl like my Mom
who's closer to my age
the true light of my eyes is a Pearl
equally emptied to equally shine
and all or what little joy in the world
seemed suddenly simple and endlessly mine

I was once the wine and you were the wineglass,
I was once alive when you held me,
but God became the glass,
all things left are emptiness
but oh, you're just a little girl
if you look out and see a trace
of a dark red that was once my face
in the clarity of such grace,
you'll forget all about me

.

...and someone with strength

2007-06-21T17:35:00.000-07:00

(excuse my recycling, but...)

i love those friends that you can hang out with and not have to worry about what to say next, or what to do with the awkward silences. i love those friendships where you can be real, and not have to put on these fake personalities in order to feel comfortable, worried that the people you are with will reject you.

the kind of friends that you can run across a beach with, making a fool of yourself, and not have to worry about what they are thinking of you. and theres that underlying, unspoken, feeling of "who i am is important to someone".

i'm not sure how else to describe it.

011//vegetarianism

2007-06-14T21:11:00.000-07:00

here's a thought for you to completely disregard:

i've tried to become a vegetarian once or twice in my life; it didn't stick. it's not that i am so in love with eating dead animals that i couldn't not do it, but it's that i couldn't remove something that had become so normative in my life.

two thoughts came to my mind when i thought about this scenario:

one: when God created life, everything was in this perfect state of shalom, where all relationships were healthy and wide. now, by all relationships i mean people to God; people to people; people to creation. now, please correct me if i'm wrong, but the goal of a christian life should be to do our best to bring our current life back to that state of shalom; we should be trying to spread God's love to all people. earlier today, i thought that exact thought: "...to all people". shalom is more than just people to people; why have we overlooked creation! unless there was some way that adam and eve ate animals without having to kill them, (death wasn't around until the apple, right?) we can assume that they were vegitarians. now, i realize that our goal in life is to be like Jesus, and not Adam, but i hope you can see what i'm trying to say.

two: why is it so hard for us to give something up? what kind of pathetic people are we?! i can't even give up something like myspace for a week, and i know that that's the case with most of our generation. we're so dependant on our day-to-day basis, to the point where when something changes, we won't accept it. why couldn't i try harder to be a vegetarian.

sorry if this is a little scattered. i just wanted to write down my thoughts.

so kids, advice time? is it worth trying to be a veggie again? besides obvious health benefits, (look into where your meat products come from) and a test of self-control, maybe it could help me get closer to God. let me know what you think.

and treat your ears, go listen to rachel's: here here here!

night all.

Jamison.

. The Hollows

2007-06-14T11:33:00.000-07:00

I just gripped my first deck and I smiled because it looked nicer than the ones I've seen the boys do. There's something very satisfying about doing something right--the way it's supposed to be done.

There are certain things in life that have a pretty self-explanatory, common-sense blueprint.
Exhibit A: No one wants a deck with raggedy edges that'd cut their hands up.

I've been "reading" this book for the better part of the year (I'm not super-committed to it--I just like to experience it in pieces now and then). It's about the psychology and sociology of "counterculturalism" and has a lot to do with groups like the nazis, existentialists, hippies, punks, gen x-ers, etc. The guys who wrote it are researchers/professors/former punks, and apparently really into Fight Club. I think I see at least one reference to that book/film in every chapter. (Which is kind of funny now that I think of it, because on the same Chapters trip that I bought this book, Karl bought Fight Club.) It's legit though, because I wholeheartedly agree with them that it's been one of the finer pieces of the past decade reflecting and critiquing the psychosocial disposition of our current culture.

"Greeting someone politely, holding the door open, using the correct salad fork and adopting a benevolent demeanor all help to reassure others that there are no nasty surprises in store--that the interaction will unfold pretty much as it is supposed to."

I like this because it makes me think of little kids and how they are full of "nasty surprises" when they haven't been "sufficiently socialized." It can be very satisfying doing something "wrong"--the way it's "not supposed to be done..." Now, I'll be the first to proclaim the virtue of good manners and common sense--don't get me wrong--but I'll also be the first to pull the proverbial rug out from under your feet if I see you conforming to something that doesn't align with reality in its overarching sense. ("See to it that no one takes you captive through hollow and deceptive philosophy, which depends on human tradition and the basic principles of this world rather than on Christ." -Col.2:8)

In our culture it's become far more than salad forks and taking turns and smiling. Conformity has become a cyclically-generated pandemic. And not just conformity to fashion trends and suburbia-utopia. What about spiritual conformity? In this fancy-free Americanized Wonderland, our parents have had the divine opportunity to lay out our little life clothes for us and a ridiculous amount of us have shrugged them on and headed out to play. I'm not entirely sure all these blueprints are showing us what we think we're building.

I can't get these verses out of my head lately and they seem to be haunting and taunting me. It's the feeling of a forgotten treasure waiting to be discovered in a place no one dares go to find it...

"Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it."

I haven't had a decent conversation in months. I hope you all are faring better than me out there! <3

010//purchases

2007-06-13T17:19:00.000-07:00

the picture doesn't have any significance. just a picture.

here are some things that i've spent my hard earned, sweet sweet sweet money, on:

music

trendy sweater

hot drink

that's about it. the bradley hathaway show was a fun time. i got to see adam roper, and i touched his foot once during the show. bradley hathaway talked...for a long time.

man, that record by the national is really stinking good. if you see it at your local record shop, and you've got 15 bucks to drop, get on that.

hope everyone's doing just splendid.

memories of a life I wish we'd lived

2007-06-08T17:58:00.000-07:00

sorry I've been absent from this site. its been one of those weeks.

arg. i have a feeling every week until school starts is going to be "one of those weeks". but, complaining is not the reason i started to write, sooo...

one of my favorite books "to own a dragon" by donald miller, talks all about fatherhood. its not a complete work on the subject, but its a good discussion piece.

i'll pick up the topic here- the absence of a father.

one of the connections i was able to make, this past year, is the connection between the absence of a father figure, and the absence of God. One thing Miller talks about is how "our negative perceptions of our dads can sometimes be projected onto God.

while i was reading this book i was also writing a paper on psalm 13. In this psalm the writer talks about the feeling of being "abandoned by God". I'll say this- we live in a world of broken relationships. And because of this we all walk around with this sense of rejection. Because we are rejected by people, we expect rejection from God.

And, it really shouldn't be that way. This kind of thinking doesn't just ruin our self esteems, but it ruins our relationships. When we don't believe we are capable of being loved we can't accept love... and in turn we can't offer our love, or our gifts, to others.

i could say more, but this feels too much like a tangent. add this to the list of things we should talk about. i can tell you some good stories.

009//absent

2007-06-01T23:18:00.000-07:00

karl, i miss you and your lamp.

so i've been gone. i know. i've been in hawaii, and up the hill at the golf course. i've also been drinking wayy to much coffee, and writing too many songs about the number one highway. but this i know: i'm going to make an effort to get back into this. sorry for leaving you kids behind.

all i've got to say tonight is this: the other day i had a conversation with a friend, and in it i said, "that's so ignorant. that's like saying going to war against iraq is a good idea." i felt like john stewart.

see you!

Jamison.
(yes that's all the story was.)

ahead of our time

2007-05-31T10:54:00.001-07:00

they other day i came across a wrinkled article i cleverly stole from a magazine at a doctor's office once (have you ever done that? it's quite a rush!)--i couldn't not keep it. it was beautiful. and i couldn't decide this morning if i wanted to write about this or about beauty, because the rain was pouring on the green green world and it was so magical...but then maybe beauty is just a part of everything, so if i write about this i will be writing about beauty anyways?

in any case, here's the article:

Becoming a father
by Jay Teitel

Sarah Jennifer Teitel was born at 4:45 on a winter afternoon in 1979, in a room full of light. The sun was setting in the dead centre of a delivery-room picture window as she was born, giving the space the feel of an aquarium at dawn. The presiding obstetrician, a bit of a joker, paused when the baby was out only to its waist, like a kayaker. "Last bets on the sex," he said. Then he pulled the little slick body all the way clear, and it was a girl. I was in love.
And nothing had changed.
The details first: the delivery room was as crowded as a bus station, and in the welter of interns and residents my wife had actually momentarily shifted her hostility from me to the standup comic of an obstetrician, who at one point announced that since nothing much was happening, he was just going to step outside "for a sec."
"No, you're not," said my wife. A moment later the head crowned, white and vegetal, and then our daughter was out, her fists raised like a prizefighter's and her mouth as wide open as Lucy getting ready to yell "Blockhead!" at Charlie Brown. The umbilical cord was cut, the baby was carried like a brisket to a little stainless steel counter, weighed, suctioned, injected, swathed in a blanket, and brought to me. Her weight in my arms was half cloth, a narrow living wire inside flannel.
And I knew, even before my wife said, "Let me see," that I was feeling something irreversible. I was more than infatuated, more than doomed. I was involved in a process that made every other process that had gone before it not so much laughable as immaterial. I was a total goner.
And nothing had changed.
Here's why. Change usually involves a noticeable component, something detectable, added or subtracted. But when my daughter was born that afternoon, although something had definitely happened, nothing had changed. The second she was there, it was as though she'd always been there. It was as though I'd been asleep for 30 years and had woken up behind a stranger's eyes, except that this lovesick stranger was no stranger at all.
"Everything old is new again," the line goes in the song describing garden-variety love. "Everything new is old again" better describes seeing your child born. Men are all idiots, and here's one more thing we don't know until it's too late. We all have a doppelganger floating in the ether over our heads, identical to us in every respect except for being tweaked with a love so unconditional it turns every other love into a contract full of loopholes.
Mothers may create children. But children build fathers, from pieces the find in space.

i know none of us has kids yet (unless jamison's got a lovechild stowed away somewhere?), but that's just the perfectly most interesting time in life. because, while we can analyze ourselves and figure out how our fathers and mothers have (and haven't) made us who we are, we are also leaving behind our adolescent selves and becoming men and women who might almost be fathers and mothers of new souls.

my dear friend vange came to visit me the other weekend, and we went shopping for baby clothes. (she was going to a baby shower.) there's something about that kind of activity that stirrs up strange things in a person. it's such foreign territory, but at the same time somehow deeply familiar.

does talking about this stuff freak you guys out? or does it make you excited? or apprehensive? i was watching Fight Club the other night and noting the discussion about being "a thirty year old boy," and looking through an old journal yesterday and laughing over a "brief essay on the male condition" that i wrote to entertain jen. so i was just curious to hear you guys' perspectives on the whole "becoming a father" phenomenon...what kind of men you figure you are and will be...what terrifies you...what excites you...what you hope and imagine...anything you want to say, no limits or required topics.

as "the resident girl," i guess i could share my perspective (and i probably should lest i get in trouble for not?). hmm. on "becoming a mother." let me see. actually, vange and i talked about this too (which is really funny to us because we are not really girly-girls who do that, but we indulge secretly with each other from time to time.) mostly, the both of us are just really excited to be absolutely mischievous...the kind of moms who encourage adventure and disaster and who track mud through the house because really, what's a home without a story written all over it...the kind who discourage mowing the lawn because that would ruin the enchanted "landscaping"...who know the importance of cookies and cartoons...the kind whose husbands roll their eyes (in a bad way)(that we will inevitably charm away) and marvel at how they had no idea what they were getting themselves into...the kind who trade in our 5-day-in-a-row hoodies for dresses and sparkly things and act like prissy princesses when the occasion really doesn't call for it (should we have daughters, they will need to learn what being a woman is really all about, right? sparkly stuff and acting classy!) ...i guess i would just be excited to cause havoc. to make everything seem like it had a "to be continued..." dangling curiously off of it. i would hope that my children love stories and secrets and believe in magic and play outside and make up terribly unfunny jokes and find their way past what everyone else tells them about God to discover a frighteningly exciting understanding of who he is and what their lives are for... i don't think any of it freaks me out. i figure most people are just terrified of "the teen years," but i'm a certified specialist in the psychological development of people from the ages of 0-25 so i'm good to go. mahah. but honestly, there is just so much potential in every person...how fun i think it must be to watch it happen from the very first heartbeat.....(yeah, that's right suckers--us girls get to know our children before you even get to see 'em! what do you think of that!)

community

2007-05-26T17:41:00.000-07:00

Being that this is somewhat of a community, i think we should choose a topic, and then all write our perspectives with that subject. but i don't feel like choosing one... so, lets say that the next person who posts gets to choose the said topic.

please, make it not crappy.

the night and the morning

2007-05-17T09:09:00.000-07:00

sorry for not writing.
i haven't much to say these days, and my vocabulary has become pitiful. a sweet old man who knows my life says i'm too hard on myself. he might be right...but i don't know what else produces character quite like discipline and struggle do. i think i'd rather see hope glistening in the distance than satisfaction sitting dully in my lap. ?

i was just sitting at work this morning eating an orange and listening to "John Wayne Gacy, Jr." and thinking how i like that someone wrote that stuff. i admire people who can say big things in few good words. i can't really do that, so i am fascinated by those who can; they are kind of my heroes.

last night i lost track of the universe and spent a little time with a fellow who's no longer here.
in lieu of unspoken inspired ideas, i wanted to share some old words today.

Adam's Curse

We sat together at one summer's end,
That beautiful mild woman, your close friend,
And you and I, and talked of poetry.
I said, 'A line will take us hours maybe;
Yet if it does not seem a moment's thought,
Our stitching and unstitching has been naught.

Better go down upon your marrow-bones
And scrub a kitchen pavement, or break stones
Like an old pauper, in all kinds of weather;
For to articulate sweet sounds together
Is to work harder than all these, and yet
Be thought an idler by the noisy set
Of bankers, schoolmasters, and clergymen
The martyrs call the world.'

And thereupon
That beautiful mild woman for whose sake
There's many a one shall find out all heartache
On finding that her voice is sweet and low
Replied, 'To be born woman is to know--
Although they do not talk of it at school--
That we must labour to be beautiful.'

I said, 'It's certain there is no fine thing
Since Adam's fall but needs much labouring.
There have been lovers who thought love should be
So much compounded of high courtesy
That they would sigh and quote with learned looks
Precedents out of beautiful old books;
Yet now it seems an idle trade enough.'

We sat grown quiet at the name of love;
We saw the last embers of daylight die,
And in the trembling blue-green of the sky
A moon, worn as if it had been a shell
Washed by time's waters as they rose and fell
About the stars and broke in days and years.

I had a thought for no one's but your ears:
That you were beautiful, and that I strove
To love you in the old high way of love;
That it had all seemed happy, and yet we'd grown
As weary-hearted as that hollow moon.

-- William Butler Yeats

love and the 90s

2007-05-13T12:59:00.000-07:00

my roommate started writing a 90's love song. which i thought was pretty cool.

explained to him that the nature of a true 90's love song was a third love. it wasn't a first love song, filled with innocence and joy, with cheesy teenage written lyrics. it wasn't the second love song, the one that sings of having been broken in the past, and unsure if love could happen again.
then, there is 9o's rock song. the ones that say "i've tried falling in love, falling in love hurt me, but now i've found a good love".

love songs have gone downhill since the 9o's. these days it's emo-esque bands writing complicated lyrics about overly complex relationships. some artists seem to overthink this notion of love, writing lyrics that are impossible to comprehend. the 90's love song said "i just want to love you, despite the mess."

or i could be crazy. i get this way when i drink coffee.

-------------------------------------------

PS- the arcade freaking fire! may 23! woot.

" adam and shaina's strange coincidence "

2007-05-10T21:32:00.000-07:00

the back story:
adam liked one of shaina's poems so he asked her to send him more. she really only had two other poems and kept forgetting to send them to him, so one day when she had decided to write in her (sorely neglected) journal she came across a wee piece, which she sent out into the waiting room of her existence for adam to peruse as he patiently anticipated what we will refer to as "the main event" for dramatic purposes. (in case you've gotten confused, "the main event" is just the other two pieces shaina keeps forgetting to share. sometimes she does this with subconscious intentions of building up anticipation so small things seem like big things.)(give her a break, she grew up on a farm in saskatchewan--it's a coping mechanism.)

the main event:
(from this point on, "the main event" will now refer to something entirely different.)
(this being the strange coincidence that prompted adam to tell shaina to make this post.)
after shaina shared this forgotten morsel, adam wrote her back with a funny twist.

the contents of shaina's piece:
January.07
untitled
I took the things that looked like love,
and put them in a box tonight.
I'll leave the box beside my bed
to catch any accidental dreams
or hopes that fall out of my head.
And in the mourning, I will close the lid
up nice and tight and hide
it away, away from me.

the contents of adam's piece (aka "adam's funny twist"):
November.06
treasure box
i left every letter you sent to me
in a treasure box beside my bed.
forgot what the words said, forget what you meant
what you mean now is different
i don't recognize what i've become
i can't remember how to write,
can't remember how to relax.
i rolled out, placing my feet beside the box
a flurry of thoughts, i woke up feeling wasted
i opened it up, and all the letters were gone.
(i already forgot about you, as well).

_____________

2007-05-09T14:13:00.000-07:00

many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves--regret for the past and fear of the future

-- Fulton Oursler

quick side note.

2007-05-06T00:29:00.000-07:00

ropey baby, let's definitely go to white rock when i get back.
call my cell after wednesday. if you don't have my number message me on facebook or myspace or the internet or mail or whatever.

shaina baby, let's also go to the ocean when you move out here soon. it's going to happen, whether you like or not, and oh baby, do you like it. miss you!

adoring readers, i want to go to white rock with you. let's make a date.

also for roper: take wednesday may 23 off, and come to the arcade fire with me. tickets are still being sold, so tap it while you can. it's going to be the best show of our lives.

also for shaina: you should try to make it out here for may 23, because i know you love the arcade fire too.

love love love

Jamison.

rainy day: reprise

2007-05-03T18:15:00.000-07:00

i used to go fishing with my dad all the time. one of the places we would fish was a river, running though Parksville. we would catch salmon the length of my arm. we would go to lakes, trying to catch things, but would always take hours longer. there a lot more prohibition on fish these days, making the good ol' father son fishing trips much less fun.

we would go fishing in the ocean, between the harbor of Nanaimo and Snake Island, a rock where the sea lions called home. i would never catch anything, but my dad would get red snappers, with sharp fins that scared me. i was always the one afraid to kill the fish, and clean it.

i had this sushi last week, that tasted like the dock where we used to clean our fish, a block away from the greasy pub where i worked, and the house i lived in, last summer.

there was one time my brother was trying to reel in a trout, out of dam with an undertow. he was standing on a big rock when his line snapped and he fell off. that always makes me laugh.

the last time i went fishing was in Tofino. we charted a commercial fishing boat, hoping to catch some halibut for dinner. i was cold the entire time, because i was only wearing a hoodie, and i could only see 100 meters away from the boat because it was overcast and foggy. i only had about two tugs on my line the entire time. only once did i feel the exciting rush of having a fish on my line, the rush which every man should feel at least once in his lifetime. most of the time the only thing i could catch was fishing lines of other people, and the one fish i caught was too small to keep.

dinner that night was potatoes and, store-bought cereal. alas.

well, those are some of my most loved fishing stories. i have not gone fishing in a long long time. it almost feels depressing. fishing is like a part of me, being that i'm from BC. its a part of my heritage, being able to catch dinner. oh well.

rainy day

2007-05-03T10:25:00.000-07:00

i would like to go fishing. i don't think i've been fishing for...over a decade. (i've begun measuring my life in decades.) i don't want to touch the bait or the fish though, 'cause...that's gross. so, if anyone else wants to go fishing, i'm definitely game. except you will have to be the one doing that stuff i mentioned. (um and while we're on the topic--should we catch any fish and want to eat them, i am also not participating in any de-gutting or ripping-off-of-skin [my body is going numb]. i will happily apply spices and things once it is in a pan.)

anyways, i'm reading a book about Nantucket. i bought it once as part of a "10 books for a dollar" deal. it's really good, an ideal summer starter read. the only thing, is that it's super short. i had to stop reading it here in order to prepare to part with it. i can never figure out if my chronic resistance to ending things is a bad thing or a good thing. all this time i've figured it's a bad thing, because i've been raised in a culture of hyper-productivity...so ongoing things, things that take time, things that you can start but never really finish seem like the worst possible concept. i don't think i agree with this wholeheartedly. maybe a little--because it is good and necessary to finish/end certain things...but i really like the idea of ongoing journeys with mysterious, hazy, tangled paths just ahead...ever-searching and traversing...enjoying the present but anticipating what you'll find in uncertain future presents...

i get a little ridiculous when left to my own devices.
especially when there is a pleasant or provocative book thrown into the mix with me.

so this little faded book about the island of Nantucket. it's really pleasant. i will not pretend i'm not living vicariously through it. frankly, the ocean terrifies me, so i am not entirely sure why i am dreaming about living in it. (okay it doesn't "terrify" me...but it's scary in some respects.) the book is a lazy and reminiscent account of time spent there over the past half-century by a man who was hooked during a college summer in the fifties and ended up building his own cabin there, going through life there, etc. etc. a fascinating tale of the way we seem to take the settings of "the best of times"--fantastic dream worlds--and inevitably turn them into valuable real estate, marketed dreams, available to only the ultra-wealthy. it's kind of tragic. but kind of magic. i guess. nature and landscape and the ultimate vulnerability of the economy in the grand scheme of the world the Lord has made are comforting. the places will outlast us all, and all our silly schemes and dreams.

it's a good book. makes me want to wade in water and go on a boat (also semi-terrifying) and build a cabin and pick flowers and climb trees and sit on the beach in the nighttime and see a movie in a little theatre and visit with familiar folks on the street. saskatchewan is kind of a disgusting place. i imagine being part of a small island community would be so much nicer than being part of a small prairie community. there is no "real" nature here to capture our spirits and imaginations. all we have are dirt and skies and each other. sometimes there is grass. it's sure taking its time getting here this year. there isn't really even weather here either. wind. that is the weather here.

this really isn't inspiring. i'm pretty sure there is no point to it, in fact. i'm not entirely sure why i'm posting it here. let's just call it a standing invitation to go fishing. mixed with a vague book review. with a dash of provincial tourist information. ("avoid saskatchewan!") i'll try to find something nice about it this summer and share it with you. i'm always up for a challenge. (and for an endless search, as we've established. mahah)
but seriously on the fishing.

010//updates

2007-04-30T19:13:00.000-07:00

hello all.
i'm blogging from hawaii on my personal blog, which may be fun to check out. who knows.

one last drink tonight.

WOO

through the looking glass

2007-04-29T22:30:00.000-07:00

you see yourself in me sometimes
and try to pull you out
or just admire your unsapphire
eyes and pensive pout.

you're looking back (or is that me?)
into your elswhere stare
you never linger long enough
to notice we are there.

you preen and primp and agonize
eyes locked on the clock
perched just above; it dulls your love
with each seductive tock.

the passing moments amount to more
than we could ever be
so off you stray and here we stay,
absent-you and me.

a blanket and a book

2007-04-28T22:50:00.000-07:00

i don't know if anyone is looking for a good spring/summer book to read...but this one is swell. a very chill and experiential saunter through a piece of time with an inspiring and gifted author. hemingway just has this way of saying things and telling stories that is so...satisfying. if you do read it, you should probably try to read most of it outside. i recommend a faded hardcover copy borrowed from a library, with thick, ragged pages and that deliciously old smell to it. mmhmmm...

"let's eat pez under the stars and laugh for a while"

2007-04-25T20:36:00.000-07:00

so.
summer plans.

so far they involve satisfiedly looking like a seventh grade slumber party crew jumped me (and just to clarify, i mean that in an Outsiders kind of way...right karl and vange? mahah)

but seriously. favorite thing about summers in small cities in southern sask = haphazard, mismatched layers of clothing to accommodate the unpredictable atmosphere that were put on when you were too lazy and stayed up too late to wake up at a responsible hour before meandering off to work. OH and i resurrected my precious old chucks from the depths the other day--it feels so good to have those back in action, and the primer layer of dirt and character is just right to start adding a whole new summer onto :)

really, i generally just leave my summers wide open. the canvas (catch the double meaning here) of my trusty shoes is the only sure thing about 'em.

the blueprint as of today looks a bit like this though:

chillin' in the 'burn...keepin' workin' at the board shop (kalen's going to work for the city so i guess i'll be the main manager...oo, ahh, big shot, working weekdays and taking weekends off, uh-huh)...mmm, abbrev'ing even more excessively than usual and using the word "brah" more frequently...probably adding a few nights a week at the ol' DQ on to the work bill for the June-August stretch...to make the money...to move out to BC in the fall! yah! adventure!

i also figure i'll spend the time/mental capacity i restricted to after-finishing-college figuring out the exact why and where of the whole BC thing. all i know so far is that i'm supposed to go there. oh yeah...i just finished college (like with a degree and everything)! how good did that feel! usually i go nazi on myself and read textbooks over summer, but this time i'm taking a break. i think i'll go to the library, find me some CS Lewis or something, take another crack at Moby Dick maybe. i also have big dreams about hanging out with my grandmas. they're a riot, and the one makes ridiculousgood vanilla-banana milkshakes. yummm. i have a boxfull of things-to-sew that i'm pretty excited about reinventing. and tons of old photos to go through. mixtapes of me & jen's old radio show to dub for her. a captain compilation video/behind-the-music special to compile for jamison. (oh yeah and a mix cd to keep anticipating receiving from him)... shoeboxes full of random worthless things that carry with them invaluable memories to sift through. all that junk a person does at this stage of life i suppose. umm oh and i spoke at a camp last summer that seemed like they might ask me back again this summer...which would be SO magical! my old pal Marv Penner apparently also recommended me to some guy who runs a camp in ontario the other day at grad too...so who knows, maybe i'll be a travellin' preacher come summer's end.

i've also considered using this time to launch a campaign to become the next big myspace celebrity...naaaaah just kidding. my best friend kim will be home from SAIT / Europe in June, and that will no doubt lead to tons of shluffies (aka: Slurpees) and 5centers and 80s movies and making fun of this town we grew up in. vange and i would like to go camping. in a tent. my playradioplay! ep should be arriving within days. (that's right, jamison, PRP!!!!) pretty much give me uncertainty, my faithful shoes, banana flavored mojos, a shluffie, the outdoors, some special music and a friend or two and i'm a happy summer girl. (anyone else remember that LFO song??)

oh and the first and last thing i would like this summer to bring is a reacquaintance with everyone and everything i thought i knew. especially the Lord. bible college really messes a person up. but in a good way. for me at least. i think? i'll let ya know. let's go for coffee sometime. you name the time and the place. i'll be there.

sadness: reprise

2007-04-24T21:44:00.000-07:00

song i can't get out of my mind lately? glad you asked.
"Doubting Thomas" by Nickel Creek.
before you read any further, go listen to it.
http://www.myspace.com/nickelcreek

( i don't care if you've heard it before, i want you to listen to it right now to get you on the same page and in the same place with me )

* * *

alright, so now that we're here together, let's talk about something. it's something pretty important. it's something i always am curious about how other people do it, or whether or not they do it. it's something i personally and readily admit to failing at on a daily basis. are you ready for me to just be out with it already?
it's trust.

i tuck it up there like a little sliver of a shadow in the very early afternoon.
is it really as difficult as i find it? should it be so hard to trust someone? i hardly even trust myself. actually, edit: i pretty much do not trust myself one bit.

since i'm the resident girl around here, let's talk about love a little.
like, the kind where you use parts of your heart that make you suffocate, and roll your eyes at yourself when that "someone" looks away for a second.
i have never been in love. pretty sure anyways.
i have been in denial. pretty sure. anyways.
but honestly, the few characters that i have let past the outer defenses...well, here's the unofficial strategy: realize that people fall in love all the time and reason with self that it could possibly be alright; be good friends and invest/let go of teensy piece of heart no bigger than free sample in Costco paper cup; implement universal self-standard of painfully slow paced progression; reinforce inner defenses; eventually come to the conclusion "what was i thinking?" and return to homeostasis.

i don't think i've ever actually articulated that before. or holistically processed it. i'm very bad at love. at trust. oh, so so bad at trust. i don't trust myself because i can hear myfutureself already calling back to me, "what are you thinnnkiiing?" and i certainly don't trust anyone else involved because i have this firstplace assumption that i must just be bored or retarded and it will pass.

hmm i started writing a story loosely based on this a while back. maybe i'll finish that now that i have time, and i'll post it here. it's called "The Architect's Daughter." there, you can anticipate a horribly dramatic and tragic fairy tale.

so i've been making myself read this book this past semester. i decided to do it to see if it was as absolute of crap as i anticipated it to be. turns out it's not. it's actually really true stuff. and unreasonably challenging for me to take in (98% more unreasonably challenging to actually apply). it's called Captivating...if you're a boy, it's the women's version of Wild at Heart. i've put it off for a month or two now, but i just tried to make myself finish it here. i read a paragraph. but then it was talking about a right heart and said that a "redeemed Eve" is "willing to be disappointed."

at face value, that seems like a no-big-deal sort of thing that's a given. but honestly, try to remember the last time you were disappointed--like, seriously deeply in your heart disappointed. (i'll admit, maybe i'm a bit ridiculous, and i take things to the extreme...but i mean, if you're going to feel something, might as well feel it hard) consider if you will, the "disappointment" you feel like a punch in the stomach when you find out the person you maybe let yourself love a little figures they're in love with someone else (and if you're going for the full effect: when they tell you all about it and/or ask for your input/advice) (and what the heck, the aftershock disappointment of realizing how much more of a whole person the person they're talking about is than you are). when i read this requirement, it made me remember the feeling of absolute disappointment, the kind that really hurts--not the little stabby hurt that draws blood, but the impaling hurt that makes your eyes wide and your soul gape hopelessly open. the hurt you can't even feel. i hope you haven't had to feel that hurt. i don't think it comes often in a lifetime. i felt that hurt in october. it was after i had had my surgery and finally got better..and then got sick again, worse than ever before. it's not something to talk about here. i haven't even had time to sort it out with myself yet--i had to put it away. i don't trust me to bring it out yet.

i suppose it just sounds a whole lot like i don't trust God huh.
i don't feel like i don't trust him--all i want is what he wants.
( "show me the way i should go, for to you i lift up my soul..." )
but i'm so weak. i doubt everything. i end things before they've even begun. i couldn't even cry when the memory of october overwhelmed me because i've developed this coping mechanism where i let the tears that surprised me fall and calmly breathe their kinsmen away while some stranger in my head anesthetizes me.
it's time to trade this heart of stone for a heart of flesh.
if only i could remember...

"sometimes i pray for a slap in the face, then i beg to be spared 'cause i'm a coward...
oh me of little faith..."

009//delays

2007-04-21T23:55:00.000-07:00

where have i been? where have YOU been?
i'm not defensive, just tired.
adam roper is officially the alpha male around here. i love it. and him. don't worry bro, soon we will be travelling the country in the greatest experience.
i'm off to hawaii tomorrow: sun, sand and surf. i'm taking my trusty iLife with me, so i'll (wireless network willing) be able to give you charming updates/pictures from life in maui. in the mean time, here are some remixs i've cooked up in the last few weeks.
enjoy! bon voyage!

MP3:The Tremulance - Four Cement Walls (Remix)
MP3: Dntel - Dumb Luck (The Tremulance Remix)
MP3: Forward Russia - Fourteen (The Tremulance Remix)
MP3: Voxtrot - Mothers, Sisters, Daughters, Wives (The Tremulance Remix)

sadness

2007-04-21T20:18:00.000-07:00

this summer, i'm living in abbotsford

driving to portland (perhaps)

reading novels. east of eden, to whom the bell tolls, and great expectations.

allowing myself time to have fun, and breathe

and not feel like crap for everything i do.

reading poetry in nanaimo

swimming in cultus lake

steamcleaning floors

thinking about, not planning, arts related events.

feeling rather alone (that will change).

i don't know. i don't want it to start yet. i haven't had enough time to reflect, on things that have hit me hard this semester.

talking to God. listening, answering.

accepting, rather than wrestling with, Christ's love.

writing overly emotional online journals.

or the opposite. down to earth journals.

we'll see.

-adam

a complicated dream of dignity

2007-04-17T09:15:00.000-07:00

so, friends, i think we should write our summer plans here...

and then see if our plans coincide.

then laugh, singing lyrics to describe these complications;

strange how our life coincides with the seasons of today
who's to say where the wind will blow

or

oh the glory that the lord has made,
and the complications when i see his face,
in the morning in the window.

or

it is a bad time to be young.
what's left to us can't be undone, without it riding on our backs
when young and poor go hand in hand.
it is a bad time to be poor.

or if they don't, we can work, write all summer, then backpack across canada in 2008, choosing one reading per province to leave, for someone to find.

i think too much, when i am alone in my home.

PS - listen to this, while you type out said plans.

"this is the death of literacy, ladies."

2007-04-14T10:51:00.000-07:00

i watched this movie the other day. "the prizewinner of defiance, ohio." it was pretty good, although i didn't see the first bit of it. i like a story with a strong protagonist and a frustrating antagonist and a plot that upsets you a bit, makes you wish it wasn't going the way it is, leaves you unsatisfied and a bit sad. those are the kinds of stories i like.

i remember i loved "pan's labyrinth" because of that, and i really loved the story the girl told her unborn little brother about the rose.

this isn't really about that. although i'm sure once i finish i will realize that it actually kind of was.

the title of this is taken from "the prizewinner.." it was said in regard to a writing competition, at a cultural crossroads where something that once took skill and knowledge was being adapted to appeal to the everyman. a new advertising slogan: "no skill required." i struggle with this tension personally. the concept of lowered standards, which i suppose could also be translated as the concept of inclusivity. if you know me, you know i'm a the-more-the-merrier kinda gal. but at the same time, i have high standards and i believe in excellence. mediocrity is my frustrating antagonist.

vange and i were just having a discussion about going back in time to be 50s housewives for a week. we figured we would feel very accomplished, getting all that housework and cooking and baking of cookies and smiling done with our singular-purpose time. but we would need to come back quick, to the era of possibilities and dreams, where we could run away to far-off places and become artists and writers and chefs and photographers...this time we live in where everyone can be anyone. (if we forget about money that is)

isn't the internet the place where everyone gets to be anyone? (i think this is a very deep social and psychological treasure trove.) consider where we are right now. i didn't have to get a degree or compile a portfolio or appeal to any higher power to send these thoughts and words out into the world. i just had to be human and able to type. i am the self-proclaimed guru of whatever i decide is important in any given moment.

i think my favorite way to write is to intentionally neglect to include a thesis statement. and then to make a bunch of statements that support either end of an idea. like right now, do you think i'm arguing that it's good that everyone has equal opportunity to have their voice heard? or do you think i'm complaining about it because i figure we are becoming a culture of mediocrity? i don't even really know. i get too caught up in it all.

008//self-righteousness

2007-04-12T15:59:00.000-07:00

"it makes me look like a showboat, and a bit of a prick. but i guess you can't hide who you really are."

the tremulance.

i'm writing a new record, and i wanted to give you guys first dibs:

MP3: The Tremulance - Four Cement Walls
MP3: The Tremulance - Stephanie

Enjoy!

007//changes

2007-04-12T15:48:00.000-07:00

I’ve become accustomed to watching things change: seasons, people, life in general. Over the past seven months I’ve seen changes in things both obvious and subversive; great and small; for the better and for the worse. I think it’s important, at a time like this, to look back and see how this last school year has influenced me, changed me and made me who I am right now.

The transition from a life of complete freedom (see Captain) to a life of structure, deadlines and scheduled bus stops was hard at first. But I find that once I settle into a routine, it seems like everything else that has happened (and will) becomes completely out of mind. Let’s look at the past first: I never thought I would transition in to school life so seamlessly. Here’s some history for people that are just getting to know me. I spent the two years before this school year playing in a band. We spent this last summer either on the road playing shows, or spending weeks at different camps, where we would lead worship or play a show, or even counsel sometimes. The band decided to break up about two weeks before the start of September, which was when school was starting. After a few random happenings, I managed to get accepted in time. This was the first sign to me that God really wanted me to be here. I went into school with a bit of an elitist attitude. I figured since I had already done the whole, “Bible college experience”, with all the socializing and such, that this time around I would focus 100% on studying, and not care less about making friends. So for the first two weeks, I made it a point not to get to know anyone on campus, which ended up being the two most lonely weeks of my life (productive nonetheless). That was the first lesson I learnt this year: the importance of community. After meeting a few really great people, I started to realize how much we can learn from each other, and how when people get together, things start happening (and I don’t mean that in a sexual way…you perverts). God even says that “when two or more of you are gathered in my name, I will be with you”. This school places a great importance on community, and it’s something I’ve come to cherish. The greatest lesson I’ve come to learn this last semester deals with the issue of social justice. I’ve never considered myself any sort of activist; I’ve never kept up on current events, so I never wanted to make an opinion on an issue. This semester I was exposed to a lot of social justice issues around the world, and I think that issues of peace and non-violence are something that the church has completely overlooked. I’ve always said that I was a pacifist, when the truth is I was always just a passivist.

*Quick side-note; I’d footnote this if I could. Pacifism is not just denying to participate in violent activity, but rather it’s a forward motion; it’s practicing non-violence. Many people belief that pacifism is a passive gesture, like saying that peace is merely the absence of war, when really it’s a lot more than that. A pacifist would not say that peace is merely the absence of war, but it is the presence of justice, love and shalom, all of which are verbs (in motion).

Where was I…I always knew I didn’t agree with war, but this semester I learnt why I belief that. If God is love (which He is) then how can someone proclaiming to be His follower justify taking the life of another human being. All mankind was made in the image of God, which means that every human life is precious. I can’t accept the fact that killing another human can be done in the name of God, as many conservative American evangelicals belief. But I mean, that’s me. I think that’s something that has definitely changed about me this semester: I’ve begun to develop and form my theology. I’m starting to feel more passionately about the things I belief in, but question why I belief that. Thankfully the profs at school are very open about presenting lots of ideas, theories and theologies, so I’ve been exposed and challenged a lot.

Thankfully, some changes come right on time: spring is definitely here. Just as all the leaves turn brown in autumn, now there is a flurry of pink, white and green around campus. Though the clouds haven’t left, everyone seems to be in high spirits.

Of course, there are some things that never change: I still love music; I still love writing; I still get dumb crushes on cute girls. Life is still good, God is still good. There was this quote that this monk from Taize (sic?) in France that said: “Life is beautiful, God is good and he will be good.” If I had to sum up this year in one word, I think “love” would be adequate. I’m learning how to love God more, I’m learning how to love people more and I’m learning how to love creation more (which I want to learn even more). I’m thankful for the people I’ve met, who have changed me, and I’m thankful for God’s grace, and the fact that he loves us enough to create such a beautiful world for us to live in.

“This world is full of love, we still have hope.”

faces

2007-04-12T08:26:00.000-07:00

a novel i read last semester, "till we have faces", made the point that we can never fully comprehend things of heaven, until we have faces.

in a letter, cs lewis had this to say

"How can [the gods] meet us face to face till we have faces? The idea was that a human being must become real before it can expect to receive any message from the superhuman; that is, it must be speaking with its own voice (not one of its borrowed voices), expressing its actual desires (not what it imagines that it desires), being for good or ill itself, not any mask, veil, or persona."

this semester has been a struggling in the dark, for me. in journals, and speeches, i mentioned how i "don't have the answers" slash "don't know how t get answers". but something came to me yesterday, while i was writing a youth talk;

we are not given the answers, but we are given a relationship, through which we can seek to understand, if only a little. if we are to meet the divine, to cross the veil that divides the physical, we start with honesty. when the relatinship with Christ becomes of one intimacy and understanding we start to find ourselves. the challenge of following Christ is to let Him in to the most dear places, who we are, that we hide behind.

and i think the mystery of Christ's love is that we are designed with a desire to express what we are, who we are. the desire we have to know ourselves is a deeper responce, to wanting to know the creator, who built us that way.

well. thats my thought of the day. i'm trying to write a deep statement, or something, to finish off my "christian imagination" writing assingment.

006//sweden

2007-04-09T21:37:00.000-07:00

things are about to get REAL swedish in here, real fast.

the knife.

loney, dear.

love is all.

jose gonzalez.

i'm from barcelona.

dungen.

have fun kids.

campfires, coffee, and the ocean

2007-04-09T17:08:00.000-07:00

dear world, this is adam.
give him the same love that you've given shaina, karl and i.

--------------------------------------------------------------

the first post is either a) the most profound or b) the one that makes you roll you're eyes, shun me, and cancel my membership.

so hopefully i fall somewhere in between.

i'm the odd man out, in this group. if we were sitting around a campfire i would be the quiet guy, poking the fire with sticks. i grew up far away, beside the quiet waters of nanaimo- where the ocean is always kept calm by surrounding islands, holding back the waves.

i spent 21 years there, and it wasn't until i left, and came back, that i finally went to the top of a downtown apartment building to watch the fireworks, lights colliding with the rippling tides, flashing the ordinary people as they cheered and hooted. hmm. and to think i used to be among of those people, huddled together on the rocks of swylana lagoon in a mass of faces. next time i watch fireworks, i will be. i think that community is watching fireworks with the mass of ordinary people, rather than looking down on it.

funny story, that was the topic of my first (decent) blog ever, back when i lived a block away from the water and wrote on myspace. i've come a long way since last summer.

so now i live in abbotsford... where the air is thin. and chilly. ask me again, in twenty years, what is beautiful about this town, and i will probably have a better answer. all i can come up with is the colors of the leaves scattered on the ground, in the fall... and the trees outside my backdeck thickening enough to cover the air between my townhouse and the road, always busy with the sighs of passing cars. oh yeah, i met jamison here, as well. my first impression of him is material for another day.

thats me. well... thats kind of me. thats where i came from. lets sit around a campfire, have coffee and discuss me later... no, lets talk about 90s music instead. third eye blind, matchbox 20, lifehouse, collective soul...

i like this idea

-adam

005//magic

2007-04-09T14:12:00.000-07:00

Patrick Wolf

"Album of the Year" gets tossed around a lot. I think I change my pick once every few months, but I think this year's is a solid pick, already. Unless Radiohead released their new record this year, but that probably won't happen. So the award goes to Patrick Wolf. "The Magic Position" is one of the best albums i've heard in a really long time. It's got something for everyone: poppy, musical-esque sing-alongs, adventure, deliectable arrangments, bizzare electronics and that powerful voice behind that child-like look. The record has a story to it, but I haven't figured it out. But I know there's a plot line that drives the record. It's far too cinematic to not have one. I keep getting this "Spirited Away", adventure vibe from it too. Maybe I watch too many movies. Either way, go buy this record. If you favourite store doesn't carry it, order it in. Listen to it all the way through. You won't be disappointed.

MP3: Patrick Wolf - The Magic Position
Stream: Patrick Wolf on Myspace

004//prayer

2007-04-09T13:52:00.000-07:00

“Love and prayer: the two most important things in a Christian's life.”

I think we underestimate ourselves far too often, humans that is. Think of how many people that you know, friends or family perhaps, that struggle with issues of self-worth, depression, or inferiority complexes. These aren’t uncommon; in fact they’re far too common. Gnosticism, subversively, runs rampant in our culture: how many times have you been subliminally bombarded with phrases like, “you’re never going to look as good as that model” or, “you’re never going to win the love of that person you adore.” Maybe you didn’t even notice it, but the next time you flip through ANY magazine, look at the advertisements and try to focus on how you’re being manipulated by them.

Let’s talk about Gnosticism really quickly (in plain terms; consult your local theologian for more information): Gnosticism is the theory that the flesh is detestable and all things spiritual are good. For example: a Gnostic believes that the only way to achieve “secret knowledge” is to deny their flesh. In our society, Gnosticism is apparent in more ways then you would think. Think of how often the spiritual is placed overtop of humanity. “I just wish I were dead, so I could be in heaven!” So that quote was said in humor, but you get the idea.

Now, the main point of this article is to demonstrate how often humans underestimate themselves, Gnosticism being an example. But I think that the greatest ways that humans have been fooled into thinking they’re insignificant is to believe that prayer is pointless. Prayer is one of the most interesting facets of Christian life; what other belief system features a believer in direct communication with their god? (I’m not incredibly educated on world religions, so if there are religions that do feature that, feel free to email me, and put me in my place.) As followers, we have the ability to talk with the creator of the universe.

Just try to fathom that for a minute.

Our creator loves us so much that he gave us the chance to lift our thoughts up to him.

I’ve never been a great example of a pray-er. I was raised on the “before-meal prayer” and the “before-bed prayer”. I figured that since I was putting in that time, that I was filling one of my God quotas (reading my Bible was a different quota). It never dawned on me that God actually wanted to be in conversation with me. Maybe I was too young to care, I don’t know. In high school, God turned into my conscious cleaner; anytime I needed to feel better about my lack of passion, or, negatively, my abundance of apathy, as I fell asleep I would ask God to forgive me for all of that. I don’t know why, it’s not like God meant that much to me in other aspects of my life, so I’m not sure why I felt I needed to ask for forgiveness. Even now, I don’t find myself spending as much time in prayer as I should, but I at least try to make an effort to let God in on what’s going on in my head.
So that’s me, I mean, I don’t know how, or when, you pray, but I think it’s crucial that each Christian spends time in prayer. So here’s my handy guide on how you might be able to fit some prayer into your hectic life. If none of these apply, email me with your situation, and with my all-knowing guidance, I will help turn you into the next Billy Graham. Please don’t quote me on that:

Jamison’s Guide to Praying in Chaos.

1. How often do you spend sitting in front of a TV? Try to avoid television. Our culture is far too apathetic and lazy as it is. We need to bring back our generation’s imagination, and one way to accomplish this is to get outside, away from television. Now here is where prayer can come in: try to spend the same amount of time that you spend watching television, in prayer. Yeah I know, it’s a big ordeal, but really, why should it be. The only reason it seems like a big task is because we’re so used to watching TV. Maybe you don’t watch TV, and maybe your thing is spending time on the Internet. I’m a victim of this: I can spend HOURS, literally, doing absolutely nothing on the Internet. If we can turn this time into time spent in prayer, the whole world will benefit.

2. Turn the mundane parts of life, into times of worship. How many of you commute? If you live in an urban center, there’s a good chance that you take some sort of transit system. Try praying for the people on your bus, or sky train, or whatever. Most of the times I’m on the bus, I’m just listening to music, staring out the window. Why not turn that half an hour, or however long, into a time of prayer.

*Note – Prayer doesn’t necessarily mean closing your eyes, folding your hands and bowing your head. Contrary to what your Sunday school teacher told you, you can pray with your eyes open, looking like a normal person. So if you’re scared to looking too evangelical on your bus, don’t worry, you can just sit and look sad like you normally do.

3. Get into creation. Because we all come from different climates, some of you may not be able to take advantage of this until the snow is gone, but for those of us that are blessed to have the sun, this is a great way to experience God. A few days after Christmas, I had the house to myself, and I felt like going for a walk. I walked for a good three hours, headphones scoring my soundtrack. As I walked, I just thought over the stresses of my life, and I lifted them up to God. The countryside in BC is truly beautiful, and it was hard not to think of God’s amazing beauty through creation. Maybe while walking through the snow in downtown Regina, you’ll experience God’s beauty. God’s beauty is far greater than the Fraser Valley, or snowy prairies. It can even be found in an old photograph, or in that song that makes you close your eyes, in pure bliss. When you’re in one of those moments, why not thank God for it?

Once again, I’m not any sort of expert; I’m just a guy who’s trying to grow closer to God, which is what I hope you’re trying to do too. Before I go, I want to tell you a story about my friend Drew.

Drew and I used to play in a band, and we were pretty tight. When the band was living at my house in BC, Drew didn’t work, so he had a lot of time to kill during the day. So Drew killed time by walking. A lot. There were a few obvious reasons why someone would go on so many walks: it’s good for your health, it’s a nice escape, and it’s a time to be alone with your thoughts. But I was still always curious why he spent so much time going on walks, until one day. I asked Drew why he went on so many walks, and what he’d do on walks. He took a second to think about it, and he told me that he prayed. That was the best time for him to pray. If you chart the amount of praying he did, to the amount of walks he went on, that boy did a lot of praying. I always admired that about him; he really cared about prayer, and he understood how important and underrated it is.

I don’t know where Drew is, but I do know that he’s praying.

“Prayer is an existential struggle; we are in co-operation with God in creating our future.”